Sarahcontrary

Two's company...

2011-06-28T20:02:00.004+01:00

Phoebe now has company, in the form of Darcie Hannah, who was born on 10th June, looking like this:

We had a home birth, which was lovely - two days actually getting into labour and then 55 minutes from being 3cm dilated to actually having a baby. Maybe I'll write a whole post about that for people who like the gory details...

Having two babies is a challenge. I'm expecting it to become much more of a challenge when Matt goes back to work in a couple of weeks. It's difficult to manage breastfeeding and a toddler; night feeds; toddler tantrums; leaving the small baby to cry while I get the big one some food; but the hardest thing for me has been emotionally adjusting to not being able to respond to Phoebe immediately, or letting Daddy look after her while I look after Darcie - I feel like I am letting her down constantly. I have to remind myself that she did cry and have tantrums and get frustrated before we had another baby, and that the long-term benefits of her having a sister outweigh the short-term upsets. I did know this might be hard, but I didn't expect it to be quite as painful as it has been. But we're all surviving so far...

Oops, I did it again...

2011-01-27T21:42:00.003Z

So, we've had the scan and our second baby is another girl (yes, that's my pregnancy announcement...). We are delighted. I was convinced that we were having a boy so am still adjusting to the idea of two little girls. But it feels like quite a relief, in the end - we've already got lots of girl clothes (and it will be lovely to re-use some of the clothes we loved Phoebe wearing) and if necessary they can always share a room - it feels very practical.

Second pregnancies are very different to first pregnancies. For me, there's a lot less shock and upset to deal with as this one was planned, so it's much less stressful. Mostly, I feel less ill and when I do feel ill I don't have time to lie on the sofa feeling miserable as Phoebe's not that interested. Having said that, when I'm exhausted I can't just lie on the sofa and have a sleep as Phoebe's... not that interested.

It's not just Phoebe. People are very pleased for us but there's not the same excitement. A first pregnancy is a rite of passage, a transition from being non-parents to being parents. Second time round, you're just increasing your family size. I'm not complaining, just saying it's not worth having a second baby just to relive the attention of the first pregnancy.

I'm much less worried in many ways. I know I can carry a healthy baby, and I don't have time to think about my pregnancy in the same way that I did. I have a much better idea of what it will be like having a newborn - and I know I can survive (though coping with a newborn and an 18-month-old is not, I imagine, going to be fun). I'm more relaxed about getting ready for the baby - at least I was until the 20-week scan - now I know the baby is almost certainly ok I'm making lists and thinking about names etc... But there are new things to think about. Mainly Phoebe. Firstly, what are we going to do with her when I go into labour? Will she be ok? When do I ring whoever is going to look after her and ask them to come and get her? I don't really want her in the house during the early stages when I'm wandering round mooing like a cow. And I certainly don't want to leave it too late (giving birth at home with just Phoebe as a midwife? No thanks!). But then I don't want to call people out on numerous false alarms. And secondly, how is she going to cope with losing our complete and full attention and discovering an interloper in the family? I know millions of people have coped with this and I'm sure we will, but it's the new journey into the unknown...

Why Toby Young is an idiot

2011-01-17T20:39:00.002Z

I am so rubbish at updating my blog. It isn't likely to get any better either. However...

Toby Young was on PM on Radio 4 today, commenting on the forthcoming changes to maternity leave. He is a father of four and said that most men wouldn't want to take more paternity leave as they were desperate to get back to work. He said he had felt useless at home and that his wife was glad for him to go back to work (if I was married to him I'd be glad for him to go back to work too). This, apparently, is because women intrinsically know what to do with babies, whereas men are too stupid to work it out. Or something.

I had to keep reminding myself that my one-year-old was sitting at the table with me to stop myself shouting "bollocks!" and "bastard!" repeatedly. So women intrinsically know how to look after a baby, do they? I certainly didn't. And it's still guesswork a lot of the time. I hated the first part of my maternity leave - when Phoebe was 5 months old I decided to go back to work earlier than I'd planned because I was so bored. Small babies are really dull. They just cry and need their nappy changing and need feeding. After 6 months they start getting interesting, and by 9 months Phoebe was a joy to be with (sometimes).

This idea some men have they they shouldn't have to care for babies because they find it boring and menial and tedious and they aren't very good at it is predicated on the lie that women find nappy changing fascinating and love walking around patting a small person's back to get wind up (winding a baby is the least rewarding activity ever. Is there no wind coming up because you need to keep going? Or because it's all out? No idea. Better keep going just in case). Seriously, babies are not stimulating company for anyone. That's not based on gender, that's based on having a brain.

Can't we all just get along?

2010-11-27T21:36:00.003Z

I am still alive, I just don't have much to say or much time to say it in. But I read this article just now and it made me laugh - actually laugh out loud, not just one of those times where you write 'lol' but actually aren't - and I wanted to share it with you.

How to feed your baby is one of the most contentious parenting issues around. There are hundreds of pages on the internet where you can share an opinion and get slated for it. Not all pro-breastfeeders are breastfeeding nazis, by a long way. Not all formula feeders are... well, whatever they get accused of being. But there's a lot of shouting and unpleasantness going on.

I had a lot of trouble getting going with breastfeeding. Actually, I was fine. I did everything right. Phoebe had a lot of trouble breastfeeding. She struggled to latch on, got a bit upset at some of the very vigorous help we received, and then screamed every time I tried to feed her. We ended up cup-feeding her formula. After 6 days, I got help from an excellent Infant Feeding Co-ordinator and we had a reasonably happy feeding relationship. I didn't love breastfeeding - I felt tied to my baby and stuck to the sofa - the baby decides when she'll start feeding and when she'll finish feeding and you lose any sense of control you might have once had. But I felt it was worth persevering with as I knew it was good for Phoebe - and I'd worked damn hard to be able to do it...

Until we got to 10 months. I went back to work, Phoebe grew top teeth, Phoebe started biting me. Every feed we had, she bit me. It wasn't the most painful thing that had ever happened to me (that would be labour, I think) but it made me nervous about feeding, which made things worse. And I just feel there are some places that you shouldn't have to be bitten. I did try to keep going for a while, but eventually I decided that I didn't want to be bitten any more and I didn't want breastfeeding to become a massively unpleasant experience. I really really wanted to keep going until Phoebe was at least one and probably beyond that and I think that would have been better for her. But she got 10 months of good milk out of me and I am very proud of that.

So... I've seen both sides of the debate - the "I can't breastfeed" part, the breastfeeding part, the switching to formula part. I believe that breastmilk is significantly better for babies than formula is. I believe that nearly all women can physically breastfeed. I think all women should receive much more support to breastfeed, and that breastfeeding should be normalised in the UK as the baby feeding choice. But I also think that the costs of succeeding at breastfeeding (for me it was a week of a nightmare three-hourly expressing and feeding schedule which left me with almost no sleep) shouldn't be underestimated and each family should be allowed to choose when they have reached the limits of their ability to pay that price.

Essentially, I think we should all be a little nicer to each other. And stop taking meth.

Phoebe's first festival

2010-08-26T13:04:00.002+01:00

Longstanding readers of this blog may remember that each August Bank Holiday I go to Greenbelt, possibly my favourite place in the world, and I steward. Last year I didn't go as I was pregnant and too fat and tired to move.

Well, tomorrow is Greenbelt again. This year Phoebe and I are going with Sanctus1, our church community. Matt isn't coming but is on hand to come and pick us up if it's too terrible. I'm a combination of excited and nervous. Camping with an 8-month-old is a little frightening, particularly as she's teething and sleeping badly (maybe it's the rest of Sanctus1 who should be frightened). However, I grew up going on camping holidays in a trailer tent with my parents and four siblings - my brother even went in reusable nappies as disposables didn't agree with him. So I know it can be done.

I'm looking forward to seeing lots of my friends, showing off my beautiful baby, and getting lots of fresh air (hopefully not too fresh). I might even get to see a few bands and talks and take Phoebe to the children's festival (messy play on Sunday!). It's not going to be like my normal Greenbelt, though I expect I'll still be up at 3 am, but hopefully it will be a good one.

Motherhood

2010-08-18T01:21:00.003+01:00

Over the past eight months (yes, really!) I've been asked many times variations on "how are you getting used to motherhood?"

Motherhood is shit. Literally. Dirty nappies. 3am wakings for feeds. Constant tiredness. No time for myself. Not much idea what I'm doing. Endless repetitive drudgery. Forgive me if I'm not really selling it. I read somewhere that 'motherhood is not a job that pays in cheques but in hugs and kisses' - but if it were a job I'd expect a pretty good salary and certainly wouldn't be fobbed off with kisses.

But let me tell you about Phoebe. She's just got the hang of crawling. She can sit herself up. And she is pulling herself up onto furniture so I expect she'll be walking soon-ish. She loves exploring and climbing on things - mainly me - and she loves being rolled around. Inexplicably she also loves being carried down the stairs by me while her daddy walks down behind us. She smiles when she sees me and cries when I go away. And I miss her if I'm away from her for more than a few hours - I relish the freedom too, but I miss her. It's not a job, it's a relationship.

However, I'm not prepared to be one of those people who say "when she smiles at me it's all worth it". I'm not sure it's an equation that can be balanced like that - one smile=3 dirty nappies? I don't really do it because I choose to or because it all balances out - here is just where I find myself, looking after my beautiful baby girl, enjoying the fun bits and just too tired to object to the rest.

Baby on board?

2010-03-13T22:40:00.003Z

I have always hated baby on board signs in cars. They suggest either that parents think you need to know they have a baby so you make a special effort not to crash into them (because it's ok to maim or kill the childfree in a car accident) or to warn you that they are going to drive badly due to being distracted.

Now I understand. It means 'expect exceptionally early braking when approaching stationary traffic or red traffic lights; I will do everything in my power to keep this car moving, however slowly, as otherwise my baby will wake up and cry all the way home'.

I still don't plan on having one.

I did not know...

2010-02-08T14:29:00.002Z

... that babies take up so much time.

... just how tired I would be.

... how confusing it is to love someone so much when they stop me sleeping so often.

... how little there is worth watching at 5am.

... that my life would change so completely.

Special delivery!

2009-12-27T13:38:00.005Z

Look what we found under the Christmas tree!

Phoebe Ella was born at 12.16 pm on Friday 18th December weighing 7lbs. She is so beautiful. We came home from hospital on Tuesday as she had some jaundice and difficulty learning to breastfeed. Looking after her is the hardest and most tiring thing we've ever done, but by far the best.

Here she is just after she was born:

And here we are yesterday - she's getting bigger already!

Moving towards maternity

2009-11-22T09:53:00.003Z

I left work to start my maternity leave on Friday. I have been really looking forward to this as I've been so tired and, over the past few weeks, my focus has been moving more and more from trying to get my project finished to getting ready to have a baby. I've been very lucky in having someone gradually taking over my work, so I haven't had to worry and I know I'm leaving things in very competent hands.

I had a lovely last day - I came home feeling that I'd finished everything, feeling appreciated and with lots of nice presents. But still, it's strange to leave work knowing I won't be back for a very long time - it almost feels like forever. Since university I've always worked and usually combined working with other things - voluntary activities, studying - so I've been constantly busy for 7 years. Suddenly, all I have to do is rest and get ready to have a baby. We're nearly ready - there are a few bits and pieces to finish off and quite a lot of cleaning and tidying which we would benefit from doing. But mostly, nothing. And this baby could take another 5 weeks to appear! However, I am very tired, and struggling to sleep at the moment, so I think I'll appreciate all the rest I can get.

We had a trip to the hospital for a labour day a few weeks ago which helped me to feel more ready to give birth. And yesterday we did the first part of our National Childbirth Trust antenatal classes - we met some really nice parents-to-be and it made us think about preparing for labour and what life will be like with a baby - it was a really useful day. I'm not sure I still quite believe that a baby is going to turn up very soon though!

Her Fearful Symmetry

2009-11-01T18:00:00.005Z

I did promise I would tell you what I thought of Her Fearful Symmetry. Unfortunately, since finishing it I've been asleep most of the time. Yesterday, for example, I was in bed for all but 7 hours of the day. That's pregnancy for you.

So. It wasn't The Time Traveler's Wife. And I don't love it as much as The Time Traveler's Wife. But then, how much did you like your best friend when you first met them? Or the person you're now married to? Maybe there was some sort of spark there, you found them more interesting than other people. But you probably didn't actually like them as much as you do now.

Well, that's how much I like Her Fearful Symmetry. It is a good book. I read it constantly until I'd finished. And when I'd finished it, I wanted to go back and read it again straight away. Partly, admittedly, because it was a bit confusing and I wanted to work out exactly what was going on. But also because it's one of those books I want to read as fast as possible to find out what is happening, and then want to read again because I want to pay attention properly.

It's a ghost story. But it's not a scary ghost story. It's got some identical twins in it. It doesn't have the moments of unbearable tragedy found in The Time Traveler's Wife (where you cry when you realise what's going to happen and then cry again when it does) but it has a different sort of sadness. I'm looking forward to it coming out in paperback, when I will buy it and read it again.

When not asleep, I've also read The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell. It's Jesuits In Space. Seriously. You would have to be prepared to tolerate space travel and aliens in a novel to enjoy it. But it's beautiful and brutal. And has a sequel which isn't quite as good. What more could you ask for from a novel?

One hit wonders?

2009-10-15T18:42:00.002+01:00

'Her Fearful Symmetry' by Audrey Niffenegger is sitting on my sofa waiting to be read. I am both afraid and anticipatory. Her previous novel, 'The Time Traveler's Wife' is one of the most beautiful and devastating books I have read, with a unique approach to time travel which makes it seem almost natural. I have high hopes for her new book.

However, I've found that when I read anything by the authors of some of my favourite novels, they're just not that good. 'The Poisonwood Bible' is deeply engaging and takes you into another culture and unbelievable lives. 'The Bean Trees', also by Barbara Kingsolver, is ok, but I wouldn't go further than that. 'The Secret History' is very clever and dark and involving, but 'The Little Friend' is just unpleasant. And 'We need to talk about Kevin' - well... To finally find someone who would admit the possibility that having children might not be everything it is cracked up to be, to have a believable and likeable character say that they weren't really sure they wanted children, but had one anyway, and it turned out they didn't really like it - it posed questions, it moved me, it challenged me. Whereas Lionel Shriver's other two novels which I have read - I don't like anyone in 'Double Fault' and 'The Post-Birthday World' just really isn't good.

Maybe it isn't fair to describe these authors as one-hit wonders just because I like one book so much more than the others. Maybe their other novels are actually not that bad, just not as good as the books I love. Maybe it's me - some books just struck a chord with me and I failed to connect with the others. But whatever, I'll let you know how I get on with my new book.

Why we should be oviparous

2009-09-24T17:14:00.002+01:00

1. It's hard to turn over in bed.

2. I think my pelvis has broken.

3. Everyone can see that you are pregnant. There's no privacy. Really.

4. It's a dense weight attached to your front which makes walking up slopes tiring.

5. It's not cute to have a baby kicking around inside you. It's just weird.

6. Indigestion and heartburn.

7. I don't fit in spaces I used to.

I am happy to look after an egg and carry it round for 9 months. I'll get an incubator to put it in at work. We can take turns to look after it. I think eggs are the way forward. Now we just need the science to catch up.

Education for all?

2009-09-21T20:35:00.002+01:00

So the Confederation of British Industry think students should pay more to go to university and be lent the money at a more 'realistic' rate of interest? Ok, let's make it retrospective. Let's charge all those who benefited from free tuition and grants the money that was used to subsidise their education. Let's charge realistic interest, backdated to when they graduated. And let's compound it. And then we'll see how the CBI like it.

I was one of the first students to be charged tuition fees. I missed out on getting a grant by taking a year out. This was possibly the most expensive year out ever as I left university with debts of around £12,000. I now pay this back at a rate of 9% of everything I earn over £15,000 pa. Once interest is taken into account, I pay about £500 off my loan each year, which means effectively I am paying a graduate tax, as I will pay my loan off roughly around the same time as my mortgage.

I do feel that my generation of students have been pretty much screwed, as not only do we pay a lot for our education, we're also experiencing high house prices - unlike those people who experienced free university education and then benefited from huge growth in the equity in their property - which leaves very little money to save for pensions or anything else. I don't think this country is 'going to the dogs' or all the other things people seem to like to say - I just feel frustrated that the generation above us have benefited from free education and are now so keen to pull up the ladder.

Things I'm not sad to be missing

2009-08-29T11:31:00.003+01:00

This is my second-worst August bank holiday for about 9 years. This is because I'm not at Greenbelt, my favourite festival in all the world. Normally I steward, and I love it. This year I am not stewarding, due to being 5 months pregnant, which means I need to go to bed at a reasonable time and get tired after walking for about 10 minutes. This is not conducive to being part of a team who spend the hours between 7pm and 3am walking round Cheltenham racecourse.

However, my worst August bank holiday was about 3 years ago, when I went to Greenbelt but didn't steward due to having a broken leg. I spent the weekend feeling miserable at missing out on the stewarding fun. I decided not to risk that this year. Instead I am staying at home, going to a wedding and watching ER. We might go and look at cots tomorrow. I feel like I've made the right choice but I do still feel sad and am missing my friends and stewarding. I'm already trying to work out how to manage to steward next year while having an 8-month-old baby.

I am fortunate to be kept up-to-date with what is going on at Greenbelt by text message and Merlin's blog. Which does remind me of some of the things I'm not missing - sweeping the campsite for intruders in the early hours of the morning being one of them!

A picture of Spoonface

2009-08-18T22:02:00.003+01:00

This is my baby at 21 weeks, which was pretty much 2 weeks ago. That's how up-to-date I am.

Apart from the baby refusing to show its face, a crucial part of the scanning process, and then the fire alarm going off while I was walking around to try to make it change position, the scan was pretty uneventful. The baby looks healthy and the sonographer thinks it's a girl. While she won't say for sure, she didn't say it was hard to tell. So I'm guessing when it comes out it will be female.

We're calling her Spoonface for now - Matt made it up and it seems to have stuck. We're hoping to come up with something better by the time she's born but I think we're not going to tell anyone. My sister can't quite believe we're not even going to tell her what we're thinking of calling the baby.

Spoonface is getting bigger and is very kicky. There's just something wrong about being kicked by a small baby from the inside. It's reassuring that she's ok, but it just doesn't feel like it should be happening.

I'm starting to feel very excited about having a baby, and counting down the weeks until I can start maternity leave (13 1/2) - I am enjoying my new job (not so new any more!) but looking forward to not having to get up and try to be coherent five days in a row!

Rod Liddle is an idiot

2009-08-08T18:08:00.002+01:00

It's been an interesting week for women in the news. Harriet Harman has been left in charge while Gordon Brown is on holiday and has shared a few thoughts about the current position of women in society and politics. This has been presented in the most sensationalist manner. 'Business and politics work better with both men and women in leadership' becomes 'Harriet Harman says men can't be left in charge'. Tanya Gold writes an interesting piece on how the response to Harriet Harman is misogynistic.

I'm not happy with the idea of quotas for women in leadership, as Harriet Harman has suggested. But I'm not really happy with all-male leadership either. I feel pleased to have a senior politician who is actively raising questions about the poor state of gender equality in Britain at the moment. Things are vastly improved and I'm grateful, but there's a long way to go. It's nice to hear someone actually talking about it.

Nursery puzzles

2009-07-18T20:39:00.003+01:00

Life is full of questions I hadn't expected to need to answer. For example, what do you put in a nursery? We've moved the spare bed out of the spare room and into the attic, so that's a good start - there is now room for other furniture in there. Matt's going to do a bit of a paint job and we're getting Little Miss and Mr Men stickers to go on the wall, so it will look like a room for a baby.

But then what? I guess we'll get a cot from somewhere. But I really have no idea what else to put in there. Baby stuff shops seems to sell changing tables, but it seems a bit of a waste of space when there's a perfectly good floor for changing on. And nursery furniture sets also seem to often come with a wardrobe, but I'm not really sure why you'd want a wardrobe for baby clothes. It's not like it's going to have full length dresses for a long time, if at all.

I'm tempted to leave it until the baby is actually here and we can work out what we need ("wouldn't it be useful to have somewhere to put all this [insert name of things which need storing]?" "yes, let's go and buy a [insert storage device]") but the impression I get is that you only have half an hour at any one time to do anything with a small baby. Not long enough to work out what it is we need, never mind find it, buy it and put it together.

Planning for a baby is really quite puzzling.

Moving on

2009-07-12T21:19:00.002+01:00

During the first three months of being pregnant I was frustrated at not being able to blog about it, about everything I was thinking about and feeling and experiencing. You should probably all be very glad. So I expected to write a little more than I have done now that it's public knowledge.

However...

This baby was quite a surprise and it's been a huge adjustment. My future looks very different to what I was expecting. Some of it feels like quite a loss to me, although I know once the baby is actually here I will be so pleased and excited. But I don't really want the baby looking back at my blog in 10 years time and seeing lots of negative things. So far, the baby feels like more of an idea than a person and I know I will love the person.

I've also been SO tired. It's hard to think of anything much to say. I go to work, I come home, I lie on the sofa, I go to bed. I can't really write about work (going well, a bit stressful at times) and there's really not much else going on. So not much to inspire me to write.

And mostly I'm bored and miserable. I'm too tired to do much and I feel ill. This morning I was sick again - a less-than-welcome second-trimester development. Ok, I've only been sick three times - it's not major-league suffering. But everyone spends the whole of early pregnancy promising you amazing energy and wellbeing during your second trimester. I'm nearly halfway through my second trimester and the blooming is yet to start.

However...

Things are getting better. Overall, I do feel less ill. I've got a little bump. We heard the baby's heartbeat. We bought a pram (it's amazing how much difference a pram in the corner makes - apparently we really are going to have a baby). In another few weeks we'll have the 20 week scan and maybe find out whether it's a boy or a girl. Matt is starting work on the nursery. It feels like we're moving on.

Surprise?

2009-06-10T19:44:00.002+01:00

A lot of people have asked whether we intend to find out whether we are having a boy or girl at the next scan. I'm not sure whether I want to, but I've been given a lot of advice! Some people say they found out and it helped them to bond, some people say it's a lovely surprise waiting until it's born. A lot of people are just too impatient or want to be able to buy blue or pink clothes.

as you can imagine, I'm not a big advocate of pink for girls and blue for boys. But one thing I've noticed is that a lot of the people who think it helps with bonding are men, and a lot of the people who think it's nice to wait are women. Not exclusively, by a long way, but my unscientific research appears to show a trend. I wonder whether it's because women feel the have enough bonding carrying the baby around inside them and want a nice surprise as a reward for their labour?

Surprise!

2009-06-05T17:29:00.003+01:00

I was looking forward to blogging about this but realised everyone pretty much who reads my blog and will care already knows.

I am going to have a baby! On or around 17th December. I have a little bump to show for it. The past couple of months have been fairly horrible - getting over the shock, feeling sick, feeling tired, getting up to wee in the night - it is a relief to finally have told people, and to feel excited with people. And the second trimester is supposed to be a lot more fun!

I'm hoping that the baby is born early-ish as I think the closer it is to Christmas, the less chance it has of anyone ever coming to its birthday parties apart from me.

It's been really strange seeing how life changes. We planned to buy a new car and Matt wanted something a bit sporty. We found out we were pregnant and bought something with room in the boot for a pram. I have to think about prams. I have to drink lots of water and avoid eating shellfish. We have nappies in our spare room. I feel like I had an idea of what I wanted my life to be like, and it seemed to be working out, and now I'm heading into an unimaginable future.

I know, when we get there and the baby comes out, it will be amazing, and everything will be fine and I will (mostly) be very happy (apart from day 4, apparently, when all new mums cry). But for now, I'm still a bit surprised.

A lovely weekend

2009-05-30T11:51:00.002+01:00

I am going to have a lovely weekend. Today I am going to go for a walk in the park in the sun (if Matt ever wakes up after a night shift) and do karaoke at Tiger Tiger. Tomorrow I am going to see my sister and my nephew. And on Monday (which I'm counting as part of the weekend - after the bank holiday last weekend I'm starting to believe all weekends are three days long!) I'm off work as my best friend is back from Indonesia and we're spending the day in Manchester: shopping, buying books, drinking coffee.

I wish you all a lovely weekend too!

New kid

2009-05-11T18:18:00.002+01:00

I started my new job today. And I survived! I had a meeting to discuss what I need to do, which was useful. I met my new team, who seem nice. I made some lists of things to do and a list of people I need to see. I went out for a leaving lunch with my old team. I got my phone number transferred. I regretted getting my old number transferred when I ended up getting numerous phone calls from and about old tenants.

So far, so good.

In other news, I had a small bump in my car on Thursday. I was fine, it was less so. Maybe I'm just really not destined to drive!

New starts and summer's coming!

2009-05-06T15:57:00.003+01:00

I finally have a start date for my new job. I'm starting on Monday. I was off work yesterday, working on uni stuff, and I'm in uni today. This gives me two days to tie up all the loose ends and make my desk tidy.

I'm excited about starting my new job - I'm going to be responsible for moving tenants out of their accommodation into new accommodation. I'm really looking forward to having a job where I plan what I'm going to do and then, for the most part, do it, rather than just dealing with whatever the day throws at me. It's going to be challenging trying to keep people happy and facilitate the moves, but it's really good to do something new.

I'm also excited because I am hopeful that two weeks today I will have handed in all my university work and be free for the summer to do summery things, like go to the pub and actually go outside and see people. It is the end of my hermitage. Until next winter, when I'll crawl back into a dark cave and sleep for 6 months.

The end is in sight

2009-04-20T18:20:00.003+01:00

I'm working on a presentation for uni which I need to hand in on Wednesday. I'm also supposed to have a first draft of some group work done for Wednesday. I have a research project to do for the middle of May and also a careers plan to hand in towards the end of May. It feels like so much work to do - I feel like I've been doing this for a very long time and I feel so tired. But just now, I feel like I might be able to do it - I might just manage to hand in all my work in a passable state, on time.

That feels like achievement enough for me, just now.

Are you speculative?

2009-04-14T20:10:00.002+01:00

Phil Spencer, of Location Location, has just seen his luxury home-finding business collapse. He says "The correction in the housing market continues to unfold with unprecedented speed... And nobody can know how long this is all going to take to turn around and we should be highly speculative of anyone who claims to be able to do so."

I don't think he means 'speculative'. I think he was aiming for 'suspicious' or 'wary' or something similar. Not to worry, he's still got his Channel 4 presenting job finding homes for people with more money than sense of proportion.

New! New! News!

2009-04-09T18:05:00.003+01:00

I have some exciting news! I have a new job! I'm going to be a project officer!

It's an internal move and is a sideways move rather than a promotion, but I get to sit on the third floor rather than the first floor and have some new experiences.

I'll be liaising with tenants in relation to new-build projects, which should be interesting, and also looking at some our projects and seeing what we can do better. I'm excited about learning some new skills and using some of my planning skills, rather than just being responsive to tenant enquiries. It will be good to use some of the project management skills I've learnt in a new context.

I will be sad to leave my team, as we have a lot of fun, but I feel very excited - I feel like my career is moving on...

Gymtastic!

2009-04-07T21:30:00.002+01:00

I had a gym induction today, as I think I need to do something to train for the 10k! And I managed to cycle for 3 minutes, then run 1.9k at an average of 6k/h, and then another 1k of cycling! I'm pleasantly surprised at how far I can run - this feels almost achievable... And I feel really well for having done it.

If you would like to sponsor me to run the Manchester 10k you can do so here: I'm running to raise money for Christian Aid.

Right to move?

2009-04-06T19:31:00.002+01:00

The Conservatives have launched a new policy, arguing that social tenants should be given the right to move. On the surface, this doesn't seem like a bad idea - if you want to move, ask your landlord to sell your house and buy you another one elsewhere. But it isn't workable. How is a landlord in Cheshire expected to reasonably manage a property in Essex? What if you demand that your landlord sells your home, but no-one wants to buy it? What about the people in Cheshire waiting for a social home who have just lost one more property from the potential housing stock?

Not just that - it isn't even necessary. Social tenants already have the ability to move to another part of the country through the right to assign their tenancy - they can swap their tenancy with someone else, as long as they can find someone to swap with. Landlords are able to refuse on very limited statutory grounds, and can also put conditions on the exchange, such as a clear rent account. It's not a perfect system but it seems a bit more workable than the Conservative proposals

Run run run!

2009-04-05T15:59:00.002+01:00

In just 6 weeks I will be doing the Manchester 10k! I'm not really a natural runner - I did the 1500m at school once and everyone else had finished before I'd done the first 1 3/4 laps. However, I like a challenge and I'm hoping it will help me to be fitter.

I'm raising money for Christian Aid, who do some excellent relief and development work in developing countries, and a lot of campaigning on a range of issues. Christian Aid have also been very supportive of SPEAK, who I love.

I would be very grateful if you would sponsor me here, as it will give me an extra bit of motivation. Judging by the 'battery-acid-in-my-lungs' feeling after training this afternoon, I'll need all the motivation I can get!

Rationality

2009-04-02T19:12:00.002+01:00

I've just bought and started reading 'The Armchair Economist' by Steven E Landsburg. It seems quite interesting - it's looking at the concept of rationality in economics - one of the criticisms of economics is that it treats people as rational when they aren't. So I'm interested to see how his defence works out. It was also book of the week in WHSmith. Or something.

I was curious, however, when it referred in the future tense to voting in the 1996 elections. I had assumed it was a new book. But no. first published in the US in 1995, and then over here in 2009. I think that's quite weird - a 14 year gap between US and UK publications.

Now I'm off to do some reading for my research project!

Young, white and unhappy

2009-03-21T17:21:00.004Z

A friend of mine works in a pub and recently posed a question that he says he hears from a lot of his customers. Young white men are feeling discriminated against - the last group of people it is ok to discriminate against.

I'm tempted to list a range of statistics to counter this, but I'm not sure angry numbers work as an argument against this. I think what they are probably feeling is a reduction in privileges as preferential treatment can no longer be assumed and a sense of entitlement is being eroded. So relatively, individually, they are worse off than they might have expected (although society is better-off), but, generally, probably still better off than a lot of groups.

What do you think?

Good things

2009-03-15T11:28:00.002Z

Feeling like a lot more is right with the world than has been recently. That's in my own life, of course, rather than, for example, Northern Ireland...

It feels like spring is coming, and it's much lighter outside. For a SAD sufferer, that's a big deal - saves me half an hour every morning sitting in front of a lightbox.

Jake, my favourite baby, said his first word yesterday. Predictably, it was "mummy" rather than "I love my Aunty Sarah very much," but I was there and I heard it. I love seeing Jake - he's just very cute and very uncomplicated.

A family member is quite unwell at the moment. It's been a worrying week but I'm getting used to the worry - which feels quite positive.

I've been driving to visit aforementioned family member. I feel very glad to have the freedom my car brings.

My first essay is nearing completion. I'm developing a sense that maybe it's ok for my work to be ok, rather than outstanding all the time.

I've been working on some other issues as well: what I think about God, what I think about having babies, what I think about my career. I'm feeling very positive. I'm approaching 30 and I have an idea about what I want out of life.

I have a very nice husband.

I'm training to run the Manchester 10k, I'm going to do it very badly, and that is going to be ok.

My best friend is coming home for the summer very soon.

As I said, all is well with the world.

Time for a change

2009-03-05T20:16:00.003Z

I'm still thinking about gender and work-life balance and participation in paid and domestic work. I've just read the most depressing article - it looks at earnings and participation rates for men and women in dual-career households and finds that there is little difference between men and women - until they have children - then women's participation and earnings are significantly reduced for the rest of their lives (Hardill and Watson, 2004). It appears to be very difficult to have two careers and children - and when something has to give, it is usually the woman's career, with a knock-on effect on her future pension and personal ambitions.

I accept that there is an element of choice within this - but people make choices within a social context of expectations, legislation and practicalities. While access to paternity leave is so poor and so badly-paid, and while men feel their careers are at risk from taking a career break to care, it is unlikely that this situation will change.

But I'm not sure why women are expected to suffer financially and have their careers damaged. Within all the literature and discussions around the issue there seems to be a feeling that the children 'belong' to their mother and are her responsibility. For example, one reason for the move from 'family friendly' policies to 'work-life balance' policies is that employers feared that they were seen to only benefit women. Freeing up one partner to work part-time and carry out child care and domestic labour benefits both partners by allowing the other to work full-time. Dinner does not cook itself and dirty clothes do not wash themselves and food does not buy itself and put itself into the fridge and cupboards. But because this work is unpaid, is is not even considered within the economic framework we live in.

I think what I'm trying to say is that a change is needed - I'm just not sure what.

Balancing

2009-02-17T20:03:00.003Z

My last term of taught lectures at uni has started. It looks busy but interesting - work-life balance, a work-based project, a presentation on professionalism, a career plan and some group work - at the end of all this I will become a Corporate Member of the Chartered Institute of Housing and be able to put letters after my name.

I'm hoping to go on to do my dissertation and become a Master of the Universe... sorry, a Master of Science. I'm not sure how scientific 'housing practice' is really - it's more a social than a pure science.

Currently I'm really interested in how employers allow people to balance work and life, and more importantly, why, and what effect this has on people. And, looking at it from a gender perspective, what effect does it have on the ability for men and women to achieve equality? Mostly women take up flexible working options - that's because mostly, caring work falls to women. Does this marginalise women by presenting them as collectively less committed to work? Are work-life balance policies going to change much while men tend to earn more than women, making it economically more viable in dual-income heterosexual couples for women to reduce their hours? Why is it assumed that women will drop everything to pick up a sick child? Is it becoming more acceptable for men to take paternity leave or reduce their hours? To what extent is it possible to have equality when it is women who do the pregnancy and labour thing? What does 'equality' look like anyway?

I love looking at things from a gender perspective...

Names

2009-02-08T10:31:00.002Z

I spent yesterday being literary at Tatton Hall - the highlight of the day was a poetry reading by Wendy Cope, but there was also an interesting discussion about 'Get into Reading', a way of using reading groups with different groups such as people with dementia, mental health problems, learning disabilities, by reading books aloud on a weekly basis and then discussing them - I wondered whether this would work on my estate as a way of bringing different people together, but think I'll probably never find time to implement it... Char March also read a story she had written about her relationship with her mother - as I was at the even with my mother, it was interesting to think about how our relationship has changed and how it might change in the future.

So here's my favourite poem Wendy read:

Names

She was Eliza for a few weeks

When she was a baby -

Eliza Lily. Soon it changed to Lil.

Later she was Miss Stewart in the baker's shop

And then 'my love', 'my darling', Mother.

Widowed at thirty, she went back yo work

As Mrs Hand. Her daughter grew up,

Married and gave birth.

Now she was Nanna. 'Everybody

Calls me Nanna,' she would say to visitors.

And so they did - friends, tradesmen, the doctor.

In the geriatric ward

They used the patients' Christian names.

'Lil,' we said, 'or Nanna,'

But it wasn't in her file

And for those last bewildered weeks

She was Eliza once again.

The joy of shopping

2009-01-27T21:42:00.002Z

I went to Asda.

On my own.

In my car.

The DVLA has still not managed to send my licence back to me but I'm allowed to drive under section 88 of the Road Traffic Act 1988.

So I went to the supermarket.

How it works...

2009-01-19T20:49:00.000Z

What have the Babylonians ever done for us?

2009-01-11T20:30:00.003Z

Listening to More or Less on Radio 4, I learnt about the Babylonian's contribution to our maths. Apart from our systems for time and angles (they worked in base 60), they also had a big impact on our calendar.

Babylonians were big on phases of the moon and worked in 28 day months, broken down into 7 day weeks. They believed that the 7th day of each week was dangerous so it was best to stay at home. It is believed that this had a big impact on the Israelites while they were with the Babylonians, so this 7 day cycle got written into the Genesis creation story.

So, what have the Babylonians ever done for us? Sundays off!

Not adding up

2009-01-10T09:16:00.002Z

The government are planning to subsidise internships for new graduates struggling to find work due to the credit crunch. Graduates will be given work experience by large companies in order to gain skills and experience, and in return will receive a 'pay deal' slightly above the current grant rate of £2835 to ensure they don't suffer a cut in income. This sounds like an interesting plan but not thought through.

Students live on a combination of grants and loans, but many also work - both part time jobs and working for four months or so in the summer. Without that extra income, they would struggle to survive.

And that's living as a student. As students, my friends and I revelled in our cheap lifestyle - one of our favourite nights out was 'Free to Dance' at the student union. It was free. We danced. And we drank tap water from behind the bar. Being poor is part of student culture. Working requires some money - for clothes for work, and transport to and from work. It's not cheap.

And then, why would you anyway? I know jobs are scarce, but if I had a choice between work experience at under £3000 and a normal job at around £12000, I know what I would choose. In some ways I regret not experiencing a graduate job, but I've started in an entry-level job, using some of the skills I got while I was a student, and am working my way up through my career - and getting more than £3000 a year.

I just don't see this taking off.

Ethics and economics

2009-01-08T20:40:00.002Z

We've had most of our rewiring done. We need all the holes filling in with plaster. We've had a few plasters round to look at it. We've had a resounding lack of quotes. We've still got some more recommendations to try. But it's a bit depressing - all I want is someone to come and make my house whole again.

We've also had a few recommendations of people who will come and do the job for us, if we give them some money. No receipt, no VAT. I believe in getting a proper job done, I believe in getting a receipt for the work I've paid for, I believe in paying VAT (particularly now there's 2.5 % less of it to pay!) and I also think that if I pay tax on what I earn, probably everyone else should too.

But I can understand why maybe not many plasterers do, if that is the case. If you have to charge an extra 15% for VAT and whatever you're going to lose in various income and other taxes, you're not going to be very competitive. Which means you're less likely to survive.

I don't want to employ a plasterer cash-in-hand - I don't agree with it. But if the alternative is living in a house with big gaps in the plaster, or doing the work myself, I'm not sure what I'll end up doing.

Hallelujah. Again.

2009-01-05T07:55:00.002Z

Driving home yesterday afternoon, we listened to the top 40 on Radio 1. As 'Hallelujah' is still no. 1, I listened to it all the way through for the first time. I have three specific complaints about it:

It's overdone. The music and the lyrics have enough emotion. You don't need to emphasise every word. And - I don't really know enough technical music language to describe this really - the amount of build up around "a cold and broken hallelujah" really makes me think she just doesn't get it.
What is the deal with a backing choir? This is a song about being on your own, not about having a full gospel choir to keep you company at all times.
She missed a verse. Yes, just missed out a whole verse.

I would rather this cover had got to no. 1. At least it does something different with it which isn't just 'making it worse'. And it's funny.

It's January 5th and I have to go back to work. I'm not sure whether 'll get used to this.

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the house...

2008-12-27T11:35:00.002Z

Our old neighbours moved out a couple of months ago, which we were quite relieved about: they were noisy; shouted at their kids a lot; parked outside our house after making a fuss about our friends parking outside theirs once - and in some way connected to local gangsters and involved in a shooting incident a few years ago. No, we weren't sorry to see them leave.

A new neighbour moved in a month or so ago - we hadn't really seen or heard much from him. Until Christmas started. On Christmas night at about 1 am Matt was woken by screaming and arguing on the street from people at next door's. I sleep through earthquakes so this was no trouble.

And last night we were just going to bed at 10.30 when there was a knock at the door. Our neighbour says he is having some friends round. It might be a bit noisy. Would we like to come round? We decline, explaining that we're just going to bed and, as Matt has to be up early for work, ask him to keep the noise down. He goes away. We don't feel very confident.

So we go to bed and there is some noise but we manage to sleep. Until 1.30 am, when we're woken by screaming and laughing from next door. It's loud. And it's not stopping. I go round and knock on the door. Nothing. I knock more loudly. Still nothing. I do my 'baliff' knock. Someone comes to the door, our new neighbour behind him. I explain that it's 1.30 am and we're trying to sleep. He looks sorry. I ask if he has people upstairs. He says he does so I ask him to move them downstairs. He says he will. He says he's sorry. I go back to bed. There's still a little noise but nothing like it was. I lie awake wondering if it's going to get worse. Fortunately, it doesn't.

I'm considering treating this as research in understanding what my tenants deal with and claiming overtime - double time for the bank holiday, of course.

No. 1

2008-12-17T15:44:00.003Z

I think it's fair to say I'm not an X-Factor fan. I don't really have anything against it, I just can't be arsed.

I am, however, incensed by their plans to appropriate 'Hallelujah' for the winner to do a cover version of. It's just wrong. 'Hallelujah' is dark and powerful and conflicting and speaks to those painful times in life. The original version was written by Leonard Cohen and then covered by Jeff Buckley, the epitome of angsty musicians. I'm not saying no-one should ever cover it, just that it should be done by people who understand the song and have chosen it because they can do something new with it, not someone who has won it as a prize in a talent show and who has had it chosen by a company aiming to wring as much money as possible out of the public using the hauntingly beautiful* melody.

So, if you are also unhappy, there is something you can do. Buy the Jeff Buckley version. Currently it's at number 3. Links to where to buy it from are here (not Amazon, apparently , as this doesn't contribute to the charts). I'm not sure whether it's really possible to stop the X-Factor version getting to no.1. I do know Sony will be laughing as they own both versions. But I honestly think it's worth making a little stand against the overwhelming triumph of the commercialisation of culture.

*Yes it's a cliche. No, I don't care.

Last train excitement

2008-12-04T00:14:00.003Z

We went to Sanctus. We went to the pub. We ran (sort of...) to the station to catch the second-to-last train home.

We missed it. A man had collapsed outside the station so Matt did the off-duty paramedic thing and made sure he was ok until the ambulance arrived - the ambulance he usually uses when he's not off-duty!

So we got the last train home.

I don't often say nice things about my husband in public. But I was very proud of him.

Good electrician, bad electrician

2008-11-25T19:37:00.002Z

I will be glad when the rewiring is done - it's due to start on 3rd December. Lucky Matt, it coincides with his 6 days off work. There are some good things though. We get to decide where we want plug sockets - there's been a huge leap in the amount of electrical equipment people have since the wiring was first put in. And we'll have a shower put in while we're having the rewiring done - another of those things we haven't got round to yet. This VAT reduction has come at an excellent time for us as well :) Oh yes, and our house will no longer be a fire risk.

We're planning on trying to get some money back from the electrician who certified the electrics and did some of the work about two years ago - yes, just before we bought the house. I know that if we had employed him claiming would be easy enough but I'm not sure where we stand as we've bought the house from the people who bought the original service. Her certified it as good for 5 years when it wasn't actually good for ten minutes, so I think it's worth a go.

Small hiatus

2008-11-11T07:15:00.002Z

I finished my essay! My weekend was fairly tedious (Apart from going out for Matt's birthday and going to a baby shower... so not so bad...) but I managed to find around 3000 words to say about how our relets department does continuous improvement. We'll see.

I have more work to do - another test, another essay, an exam - but I'm in that lovely state of readjusting to not having something to do every single minute. And I'm going on holiday! Matt is 30 on Thursday so we're going away for a long weekend. I'm very excited. It's going to be fun! And nothing at all about continuous improvement!

When even the good news isn't actually good...

2008-11-07T10:54:00.002Z

We started having some problems with the electrics in our bathroom recently. A while ago the fan stopped working and we never quite got round to getting it fixed. And then the bathroom light started flickering randomly. It's irritating when the light goes out when you're on the loo...

When the fan switch started sparking and making crackling noises and the light was flickering even when it was turned off at the switch, we thought we'd better do something. We turned the light circuit off at the fuse box and lived in darkness for a week. The electrician came out on Monday and said the wire from the light switch and the wire to the light fitting were different colours (apparently bad), the light was live all the time (also bad apparently) and the fuse for the wiring circuit should have an earth as well as a live wire coming out of it(even I know this isn't good).

They came back yesterday and did some more investigations. Matt texted me to say there was good news and there was bad news. At this point I was hopeful. Maybe, I thought, this meant that not much needed doing but they couldn't do it for a couple of weeks. No... The bad news is that the whole house needs rewiring. The good news is that the house hasn't burnt down. At some point the fan set itself on fire and then smothered itself.

Not a post at all.

2008-10-24T20:10:00.003+01:00

I haven't posted for a while. This is because I am writing such a wildly boring essay I have nothing to say. About anything.

I wanted to write something about the government wanting to be able to look at everything ever written on facebook for reduction-of-terrorism purposes, and link it to the redefinition of terrorism under one of the criminal justice or terrorism acts. But I was too tired.

I could tell you about work and my performance review and how coaching has improved my life no end.

I've thought about writing some more about housing law and how much I like it, or the complexities of preparing for Matt's forthcoming 30th birthday. Or the joy of our neighbours moving out and leaving us in peace, quiet and parking space.

And of course I always want to tell you all about Jake, and how he's sitting up now, and just how awesome he really is.

But no, my brain has been turned to mush by Continuous Improvement as Applied to Lettings and Allocations.

So I have nothing to say.

'People like me'

2008-10-10T18:23:00.003+01:00

As a housing professional* I was interested to read the tenancy agreement a friend is using to let his house. Anyone who has rented privately will have seen this sort of thing - 2 sides of A4 explaining that you have to pay the rent and look after the property, and leave if you're asked properly. I explained that social landlords have slightly weightier agreements - ours cover everything from rent to gardens to car repair to neighbour nuisance to who gets your tenancy if you die. I use my tenancy agreement to tell tenants to cut their lawns. "I hate people like you," another friend muttered.

Ah yes, people like me. Landlords do not always have a good reputation** and this is sometimes deserved. And, admittedly, there is really potential for being a complete bastard*** in this job - housing law is so complicated that power rests squarely with landlords unless tenants get good advice. Landlords tend to start with the power anyway, being the ones with houses to provide. So, being a 'person like me' doesn't always feel pleasant.

But just what is it that I do? What social benefit do I provide? Well, generally, I help to provide people with somewhere to live. I explain the rules to them. When people have problems caused by their neighbours, I do what I can to resolve those problems. When people have problems with us, I try to help them resolve those problems - we can't always do everything people want, but I find that people are happier sometimes if you can explain why.

When people are in crisis - when their relationship is breaking down, for example - I help them to know what we can do to help. I go to meetings designed to protect small children who are being abused or neglected by their family. I intervene and support people when they are being harassed or suffering domestic abuse. I listen to all sorts of horrible stories.

Today I spent a considerable amount of time talking to a tenant who is due in court next week for possession proceedings. Now, hopefully, he will come in and get his tenancy issues sorted and I've also arranged for some support to enable him to sustain his tenancy. If he is still in his flat on Thursday I will feel some sense of satisfaction.

I don't like all of my tenants. Some of them are unpleasant people to deal with. But I genuinely care about my tenants being well and happy in their homes. I try really hard to make them happy when I can and be honest when I can't. I know I've had a positive impact on people's lives.

Which is more than you can say for hedge fund managers, for example...

*yes really, that is how I describe myself.

** try googling "evil landlord"

*** I learnt this at uni on Wednesday - Crodon LBC v Buston and Triance (1992) - a secure tenant is told by a lawyer that she can sign her tenancy over to her son, so she does and moves out. Her son takes the legal document into the council offices. They say assignments have to be evidenced by a deed. She goes away and gets a deed done, but the council point out that, by moving out of the property and not intending to return (evidenced by the original document) she's lost her secure status so no longer has the right to assign.

Back to school

2008-09-30T23:09:00.003+01:00

It's definitely autumn - I can tell from the weather and the way it's getting colder, and from just how dark it seems to be almost all the time.

And it's back-to-school time. Uni starts again tomorrow. I seem to remember that I liked going to uni last year. I liked learning things, I liked drinking coffee, I found it interesting to find new ways of looking at my work.

But I also vaguely remember losing whole vast swathes of my life to essays, and to the time wasted not doing essays but not actually doing anything else, and not seeing my friends or my husband or my family. I've enjoyed the freedom I've had over the summer to do those things and I don't want to lose it.

Still, we're doing law and finance, how hard can it be?*

*I also seem to remember saying that about a masters in International Political Economy and that turned out to be so hard I just cried all the time until I gave it up...

Things to do when you're ill (1)

2008-09-25T16:05:00.003+01:00

So I am ill and stuck at home on the sofa with a very low boredom threshold. To make myself feel better I am knitting very small hats for innocent smoothies' The Big Knit. So far I am up to 2 1/2 hats. Each one takes about 45 minutes to knit which, coincidentally, is about the same length as Any Questions.

Admittedly, I could more easily spend a couple of hours asleep on the sofa and send them £1.50 but I'm not sure that's the point.

thebigknit2008

I'm not a student any more, dammit!

2008-09-24T10:55:00.002+01:00

For a long time, September was a funny month. It heralded a new academic year, either as a student, working at a university or working with students. Every year, for approximately a decade, September would be a hectic month filed with freshers' weeks, late nights and lots of hard work, followed by an unpleasant week of so of Freshers' Flu, that delightful result of meeting lots of new germs from all over the country, which takes the form of a runny nose, sore throat and an overwhelming urge to stay in bed until I feel better.

While technically I am still a student, it's on day-release now, which is completely different - the new term starts on Wednesday, I know I've passed my re-sit essay (that one on Polish migrants I was telling you about) because I've been allowed to register on-line but I still haven't had my results through the post - but my body does not seem to have grasped the idea that it has no reason to be ill. It's September and I'm off work with what feels suspiciously familiar. A runny nose. A headache. A sore throat. An inability to process thoughts or communicate coherently. I have The September Malady.

Here, there and everywhere...

2008-09-04T22:49:00.002+01:00

Just about getting over Greenbelt - it's tiring but completely awesome, and I feel like an amazing person when I'm there, and then I come home and I'm just tired and feel slightly less awesome - it takes me a week to get used to normal life again.

And now I'm off again - going to Quinta with SPEAK to do Vocal Training, a weekend getting network people together to do training. I haven't been for a while as I no longer work at SPEAK, and this time I'm just cooking - it should be a lovely relaxing weekend with lovely people in lovely countryside. And I'm hoping to fit in a visit to my favourite baby on the way home.

Because work just isn't pressured enough.

2008-08-29T18:30:00.002+01:00

Friday night! Yay! Home from work! And on my doormat is the new copy of Inside Housing, the trade journal for people working in Social Housing. Yes, I read a trade journal and yes, I will be 30 next year...

Tonight's headline was "James Mitchell was killed by his neighbour after a six-year feud. Should his landlord have done more to protect him?". A tenant, after suffering anti-social behaviour from his neighbour for a number of years, was killed by his neighbour after his neighbour was warned that he may be evicted for his behaviour. The tenant's family are now suing the council involved for failing to care for the tenant by warning him that they were going to speak to the neighbour.

I spend a lot of my time at work, but not as much as I would like, dealing with anti-social behaviour. I have, at any one time, between 10 and 15 ASB cases open. We are obliged to investigate any complaints we receive, though not necessarily solve them. It's harder than I think people imagine to deal with. I have to consider the confidentiality of both the complainant and the subject, deal with counter-complaints and try to get evidence of what is going on, while remaining impartial. Often the person being complained about will deny all the allegations and provide a completely different story. Sometimes I have to work with other agencies such as the police or mental health professionals. People are not always co-operative, for a range of reasons. All this for 10-15 different cases, some quite complex, some reasonably minor - and it's sometimes the more minor cases where people make more of a fuss.

Every time I hear a story about violence following neighbour disputes, I feel a sense of fear. I can imagine this happening in cases I deal with. I have to try to work out how to investigate and how to progress cases. My job is to investigate, not to decide who to believe, and it can be very difficult. I love doing this and find it very interesting, but it is a huge responsibility, dealing with the most difficult parts of people's lives - I'm not always sure who I am to be doing this.

And this is just part of my job.

The Most Fun Ever. In the world. Ever.

2008-08-27T13:33:00.004+01:00

I loved many things about Greenbelt this year. Work has, as regular readers may have noticed, made me a little cynical, and Greenbelt has helped to return the joy of helping people. As support stewards, we help by wandering around being a presence, we help Greenbelters by being available and dealing with situations as they happen, and we help other stewards by providing a bit of support where it's needed. And we help each other with a large dose of mocking. It works for everyone, I think.

Not everyone appreciates us, however. One kind man spent ten minutes explaining to Guilty and me that what we were trying to do was pointless and offered to spend the whole night following us around to point this out. As we were planning to have officially The Most Fun Night Stewarding Ever*, we declined his kind offer.

It's been quite a quiet year, mainly - I'm sure we've looked for more lost children in one night in previous years than we did in the whole festival this year - possibly because there were a few occasions when we reunited parents and children before we managed to get the radio call out. But we've done some things which I'm really quite proud of. We found a mother wandering round in the rain with her small boy at 1 am as the sound of the rain on the tent was scaring him, and we re-directed her to somewhere safer to spend the night. We dealt with a few people who had spent longer in the beer tent than was good for them and stopped them causing more problems for themselves and others. We helped some girls who had lost their tents in the middle of the night. We gave directions, smiled a lot, pointed out toilets and wandered round the campsites drinking Greenbelters' coffee (really, the best way to get moved off a campsite is to get a full cup of coffee), eating their cake and being the friendly face of Greenbelt.

What I remember most about Greenbelt is spending time with my team, talking and messing about, having loads of fun and getting caught doing silly things by my team leaders when really I should be looking responsible... But I feel proud about the added bonus of helping Greenbelters to have a better festival.

*With some success, I might add.

Back...

2008-08-26T17:38:00.002+01:00

I am back from Greenbelt. I had the BEST time ever, in the world, ever. I have had a bath and do not smell any more.

I did some awesome things. I also did some... other things. Here's a short list:

I got caught by my team leaders pretending to be a horse and doing an olympic-style dismount from a pub bench, in the space of 40 minutes, the latter following the 'awesome timing' phrase, "I'm glad Zippie and Merlin didn't see that".
I had an opportunity to tell someone not to set themselves on fire again.
I nearly got to set a gazebo on fire but Rob Safety wouldn't let me. I think Guilty would have let me.
I may have been caught having a small sit-down on the campsite when I was supposed to be patrolling.
I pretended to mourn (loudly) a boy who pretended to die. This was necessary. I didn't ask him if he was a horse.
I nearly got run over by a fire-engine. Twice. And by Merlin once.
I fell over in the mud.
I learnt to play cat's cradle. Honestly, don't bother. It is the most pointless activity ever.
I didn't poke anyone in the eye.
I may have been a bit annoying. Occasionally.

I love support team...

Nice decisions

2008-08-11T17:55:00.002+01:00

I listened to last Friday's Any Questions? and found myself very disappointed in Billy Bragg. Usually he's got passionate and interesting opinions. But not on the issue of NHS funding, it would seem.

There was a discussion about NICE, the National Institute for Clinical Excellence, who decide whether medicines should be licenced for prescription in the UK, based on a cost-per-years-of-life-gained basis. These are the people who decide whether you should get expensive cancer treatments, among other things.

Do they do a good job? I don't know whether they do the best job they could do - I don't have any experience of their work. I think they do a very difficult job...

Billy Bragg argued that what they do is fundamentally wrong - that you cannot put a value on life, that the NHS was set up to fund treatment, and that if you can't fund the treatment people need, you have your priorities wrong and should put more money into the NHS, presumably until you can. He said that if treatment cost £100,000,000 (yes, really, a hundred million) for an extra year, it should be provided.

That's a nice thought to have. But not feasible. We don't have an endless amount of money to spend on the NHS. And there is a near-infinite amount of money required to treat every illness.

NICE is about resource allocation and opportunity cost. If you spend money on one medicine, it isn't just about the cost of that medicine, it's about what you are giving up in order to provide that medicine.

And health goes so much further than just medicine. That £100,000,000 pounds could be spent, for example, to build more houses. Into those houses could go families currently living in overcrowded accommodation, which are damp due to the overcrowding and which make the children ill due to the damp.

No-one is going to stand by and choose to die when they know there's a medicine out there which can help them to live. People are going to fight for the treatment which will keep the people they love alive for longer. Once it's you it's emotive. That's why we need an organisation like NICE to make those decisions rationally. Let's have a discussion about how they do that and the values they apply to make their decisions. But let's not claim that it's wrong to make those decisions.

Not pleasing

2008-08-07T21:22:00.002+01:00

I work for a housing association, managing about 450 properties on a fairly nice estate. I deal with tenants' enquiries, complaints and problems. I'm the face of the housing association for most of my tenants.

The advert for my job said that I would have to be passionate about helping people. I really am. I came into the job wanting to change society at an individual level. I think a lot of people get a bad start in life and have an impaired ability to make good choices. I think people must be held responsible for their behaviour, but there needs to be some recognition of the circumstances that have shaped them.

I'm finding my job quite difficult. I have to give people difficult answers, tell them we won't be doing everything they want - or at least, not just yet. I tell them that their behaviour is having an unacceptable impact on their community. I try to understand why people fell how they do, explain decisions in a way that makes sense, and represent their opinions to other people in the company.

For this, I get told that my answers are pathetic, that they will hold me personally responsible for the death of family members, that I wouldn't be prepared to live like that. I have tenants hang up on me when they don't like the answer I give, or tell me that all they are asking for is everything they want, straight away.

I find it hard because one of the things that drives me is a desire to make people happy. I understand that sometimes this is a case of making the best of a bad situation - making people happier than they would have been had I not explained things properly to them. But I feel like I really am pleasing none of the people, all the time.

6 years!

2008-08-01T16:57:00.006+01:00

We had our 6th wedding anniversary on Sunday. We like to give each other presents related (vaguely) to the traditional gifts. Guess what's traditional for 6?

We already had the most sugar in the world due to some unfortunate miscalculating when I did the cooking for a weekend away. Now we have some more.

I haven't ever read Sugar. I hope I never have to again.

More welcome but with less spelling accuracy - two Sugababes albums.

Chocolates - mmm - and they're made of sugar...

Two lush bath-bombs. No sugar-relatedness at all. But very nice.

Not sugar-related but will last slightly longer than the chocolate. Or the sugar.

meaning and happiness

2008-07-07T22:05:00.003+01:00

The happy man does not look back. He doesn't look ahead. He lives in the present.

But there's the rub. The present can never deliver one thing: meaning. The ways of happiness and meaning are not the same. To find happiness, a man need only live in the moment; he need only live for the moment. But if he wants meaning - the meaning of his dreams, his secrets, his life - a man must reinhabit his past, however dark, and live for the future, however uncertain. Thus nature dangles happiness and meaning before us all, insisting only that we choose between them.

Jed Rubenfield, The Interpretation of Murder

I have decided that I am just not constitutionally designed to be happy. I'd like to be happy, and I think it would probably be quite satisfying. I know people who are happy - who are quite content with their lives pretty much as they are. I am married to one of those people. I don't think I'm ever going to be one of those people.

I want to matter. I want my life to be significant. I'm not saying happy people are insignificant. But I wonder whether people who are more likely to achieve things (yes, my definition of 'things' includes some things and not others...) are likely to people who are driven. And people who are driven are, by definition, trying to get somewhere because they are not satisfied with where they are.

I like my life. I think I'm pretty fortunate. But I think there's more. I could be doing more, being more, making more of a difference. I do think there is always greener grass. And, right now, I'm planning on how to find it.

Even if I don't find the rest of Mr Rubenfeld's book 'spectacular' and 'fiendishly clever' as the Guardian has promised I will, I'm grateful to him for making me feel it's ok to want more than just happiness.

The best thing about Indonesia was...

2008-07-05T18:04:00.004+01:00

There are things I loved about Indonesia. The food was very nice, for example, and the weather was quite pleasant - it rained once for half an hour during our two-week visit. The people are friendly. Seeing Emily and Paul, my best friend in all the world, and their two boys was great - it was so much fun!

There are also things I didn't like. Travelling for 30 hours to get there and back wasn't fun. Nor was the crazy driving. Coming from the long days of British Summer Time to it being dark at 6pm was completely weird - it felt like 11.30 pm at 7.30 pm.

We did some amazing things - we went to Borobadur, a 1300-year-old Buddhist temple, made of interlocking blocks of lava. We saw a volcano. We went to the beach and body-boarded in the Indian Ocean. I became 29. We saw rice growing. We survived spending 30 hours together on a plane without going mad.

And we rode on elephants...

How cool is that?*

The whole visit kind of made me want to go and live in a foreign culture and learn a new language again. And kind of made me very glad to live exactly where I do...

*The tour guide at Borobodur, who was very knowledgeable and interesting, thought he was taking photos but actually pressed the video button by mistake...

Out of office

2008-06-19T09:28:00.001+01:00

I'm going to Indonesia. I'll be back in a couple of weeks.

Ontology and etymology (or Losing My Religion)

2008-06-08T20:44:00.003+01:00

I'm writing this after a pint and a half of cider and some vodka and coke so if it's less than comprehensible I hope you'll understand...

When I started postgraduate study the first time round we talked a lot about ontology and etymology, which were words I really struggled to understand. Eventually I got the hang of it: what we know and how we know it. How do we think the world is made up, and how do we know this? So for me, among other things, I'm a feminist - in part, we're split into men and women and that affects how we'll get on. And I'm a social constructivist - I think society is created through the language we use and how we behave.

I have discovered a downside to not believing in God. I have no basis for believing in anything. Until recently, having the certainty of an existing authoritative God and the Bible, I had a solid basis for everything I needed to have an opinion on, and room for lots of interesting debate within safe parameters.*

Now, I don't have that. In an uncertain world, I have no idea how to know anything. There are lots of theories and I can tell you which ones I like and why I like them, and also discuss the merits of them as theories, but how do you know anything? Is it just a case of deciding something and sticking with it, hoping for the best? Or making a best guess? Do I just have to earn to live with uncertainty?

*Actually, it was always much more painful and indecisive than that, but that's just the outworking of my personality. I've learnt to live with it.

Public bodies (and a gratuitous baby...)

2008-06-06T20:02:00.004+01:00

Did you know that Fern Britton has lost a lot of weight? Did you care? Well, bear with me, because it's vaguely relevant to what I want to talk about.

We watched a debate about the child of our time series on BBC4. The participants, who were all vaguely famous and vaguely clever, were discussing a variety of those things people always talk about when talking about modern childhood. And we discussed whether we liked what they were saying and if 'critically evaluating' was normal language or jargon (guess who fell on which side of that fence?) and we critically evaluated their outfits.

So. One woman was wearing just too many different attention-grabbing accessories/hair/make-up/everything. One woman had weird hair. And one woman had a top I didn't really like. One man was, maybe, dressed a bit too casually. One man looked nice, smiled a lot and said nice things that I liked. And one man was Robert Winston, who I think may be a modern-day saint as no-one ever says bad things about him.

I noticed

we were much more critical of the way the women were dressed, which reminded me of the whole Ferngate thing, and the Guardian's suggestion that public women's bodies are considered public property. So I interrogated my thinking... Is it just because women wear a wider variety of clothing, so there's more to discuss*? Or is it that the way every public woman dresses is considered fair game for discussion in a way that doesn't generally happen to men? Or maybe that women are considered to be more interested in clothes generally, so are more scrutinised because of this association between women and clothing? I don't know, but I'm planning to do some more thinking about it every time I dislike someone's shirt.

And, as we're discussing children, I'm throwing in a gratuitous picture of my favourite baby ever:

*It's like this at work too. Men wear a shirt and a pair of trousers. And either a tie or not a tie. There's some choice over colour/pattern of shirt, the tie question and, if they wear one, how much they care whether their shirt matches their tie. For women, it's more interesting, probably a bit more relaxed, but much more complicated.

The aftermath

2008-05-14T21:37:00.002+01:00

Well. The Big Dress event, eh? It's pretty hard to sum it up. It was exhausting, stressful and busy and I did NO REVISION AT ALL. One day I'll learn.

However, I enjoyed it.

It felt like a festival - lots of sun and sitting on the grass.

I developed my conflict resolution skills.

Tony was an invaluable deputy and we had an amazing team of stewards. I'm still trying to work out how to put into words their wonderfulness so I can email them all and thank them.

I was called a fascist by a stand-up comedian due to my concern for fire safety and then was called upon to put out a fire in a litter bin - see the picture!

We had quite a few stressful times due to football-related disputes, plans changing, barbecues in bins, lost radios (which have turned out not to be lost after all) and a serious sleep-shortage.

Nothing makes me feel competent quite like this. We did a great job. The Big Dress event made a difference, and it made it well and safely because of what we stewards did, and they could do that partly because of what I did. I think when you find something you're really good at, you should do it as well and as often as you can.

I also finished my exams today so am rejoicing in all my free time. Despite my lack of revision and general tiredness, I think I did ok.

On the home straight

2008-05-07T18:37:00.002+01:00

I've been writing essays. I've started revising. I've been compiling crazy rotas juggling about 30 people's complicated lives. I've been making lists and checking them twice. and tomorrow I'm heading off to Sheffield for The Big Dress event. I'm in charge of the stewards. And I'm taking my revision notes with me.

It does feel hectic - I feel like I've been working for about 9 months solid. But this time next week I'll have done my stewarding and finished my exam - and I'm really looking forward to the break!

New! New! New!

2008-05-01T22:34:00.002+01:00

I'm sitting in my kitchen writing this. This is exciting because my computer is in the attic. My old computer, that is. After months of deliberation, investigation and saving up money, I've bought a macbook. The novelty of being able to check my email anywhere in the house is immense and incredibly enjoyable.

My computers have all been old, slow and inherited, put together from leftover parts from other people's computers, and tended with much love by Matt. So it's very exciting to get to choose a computer. Having itunes which doesn't have Matt's dubious taste in music on is amazing. Having a computer that is completely empty and waiting for me to fill it up with my rubbish is very exciting.

It's also exciting because I'm new to macs. So far it is beautiful, but slightly frustrating - trying to cut and paste is near impossible... It just doesn't work like a pc. It's supposed to all work together beautifully, but working out how to get it to do that can be a challenge.

And it's new because I'm on my own. Matt is pretty good with pcs and has always looked after mine. I'm good with software and the internet, but I know nothing about hardware*. Matt knows nothing at all about macs. It's kind of exciting but just a little bit scary...

Right, I'm going to have a bath. But even I, new to macs as I am, know not to try to check my email in the bath...

*Apart from graphics cards. Due to my old one being rubbish and my computer being too rubbish to run anything better, I've spent a lot of time taking graphics cards in and out of my computer. I know how to do that!

Things I can tell you...

2008-04-26T12:52:00.003+01:00

It's been a while. I'm writing about The Homelessness Act 2002 - it's actually really interesting - and preparing for SPEAK's Network Gathering, which I'm organising the stewarding for. And visiting my nephew, who is amazing.

I can, however, tell you that there's nothing much wrong with my heart or brain. I have learnt the following:

I have episodes of sinus tachchardia.
My brain MRI was 'unremarkable'. Thanks.
I don't appear to have any inter-ictal epileptiform disturbance. I can only assume this is a good thing. In fact, I can only really assume that all of the above are good things.

I'll keep you posted.

I'd also like to recommend Patroclus's investigation of gender bias on the Guardian's letter pages, which I am currently loving...

Too many pies?

2008-03-26T22:51:00.003Z

Turns out she wasn't lying. I wondered if my sister had just eaten too many pies.

But no, here I am with baby Jake, who is two days old.

Trusting

2008-03-07T19:34:00.003Z

As so often happens, once I start thinking*, I head towards discussing feminism, and the downsides of conservative evangelicalism in restricting my thinking about this. And Merlin says "Ah, you see, my belief tells me that women can do just as much as men. And my god agrees."

I think, I'm not sure I'd want to have my god agreeing with me. But here's my new question - what's the point of god? I appreciate that it's possible for things to exist without a purpose - and if god exists, god exists without needing to have a purpose for me**. But...

1. If God isn't bigger than me, and doesn't know more than me, what is the point in relating to him/her/it?

2. If God is bigger than me and does know more than me, doesn't that mean I just have to do what they advise? I'm really not interested in just doing what I'm told - it doesn't sound much fun.

I was trying to work this out by discussing it with a friend. I miss God loving me and having a good plan which I'm part of - a sense of purpose. But I don't want to lose my freedom and independence and go back to living within narrow rules.

She asks, what if God doesn't have a plan? I say I can't imagine God not having a plan - that's too much part of what God is for me to comprehend God being God without it.

Ok. She asks, if God had a plan, but was a tyrant, a complete dictator who just wanted veryone to do what they were told, what then? Well, I wouldn't be interested. Turns out goodness is more important that the plan.

What it comes down to is, if God doesn't know everything, how can I trust God? She asks "do you trust me?". I see what she means. I trust her, within her limitations of knowledge and understanding. Can I trust a limited God?

*It's true, I do think, they took some pictures of my brain this week and there really is one there. And it has brainwaves coming out of it and everything.
**my theology takes a while to make much sense.

belonging

2008-03-03T20:40:00.002Z

I got my promotion. I'm looking forward to finding out where I'll be managing, what it's like and starting to make my own decisions. And to getting paid.

I went away with Sanctus this weekend. I had a lot of fun, drank a moderate amount of alcohol and thought until my brain felt like it had been trodden on.

I started coming out as some sort of atheist a while ago - I used to believe passionately in god, but with a lot of turbulence. I got a bit tired and decided to have a holiday from trying so bloody hard, and hopefully discover something about what I believed from what floated to the top at the end of it all (this may be something of a mixed-metaphor experience...).

Unfortunately there wasn't much left floating. I discovered that I had no real sense of any sort of god existing. But I discovered intellectual freedom along the way, and the real joy of feminism... However, there's something to be said for believing that someone created the world and that that someone loves meand has a plan for my life. I'm left feeling slightly purposeless and less loved. And less like a lovely person. My life just feels slightly... flat.

So I went away this weekend hoping to at least think a little about what I might believe. I realised that Sanctus is very important to me. I find a sense of community, safety and acceptance that makes me hope there is perhaps something more than just us. I'm not sure I can believe that it is just the result of a lot of people trying to create something good. It keeps me hanging in because it's something I want to be part of.

Dave Tomlinson, who wrote the post-evanglical, which I thought at one point might save my faith, came and talked with us about ourselves and about what he thinks. It was thought proviking. He talked about god's kingdom as a spirit of life and liberation. I don't have any ability to believe in a personal, intervening god but maybe a spirit of life and liberation is somewhere I can start exploring from - less crude than just good and evil.

And I thought about my place in sanctus. Socially I feel very part of sanctus - I can turn up, say what I think and feel secure. I feel that I belong. Spiritually, I feel less inside - a community is built on shared values and, not believing in God, I haven't felt like I have so much to say. But I think I've realised that I have things to contribute. I'm not pastoral like some people, or particularly wise - things you would associate with being part of a church community thing. But I've been to lots of places in my faith, and I can organise things and ask interesting questions, and cook an awesome pudding. I've realised that maybe I need to be giving, and see myself as someone who has things to give, in order to grow. Some theologians have talked about belonging without believing, and maybe that's where I need to start in order to believe.

Tampopo/Juno

2008-02-24T11:37:00.001Z

On Friday night I went out with friends from Sanctus1. We started off in the new Tampopo at the Triangle in Manchester. It's Asian fusion food - I had Mee Goreng Chicken, getting in practice for my trip to Indonesia in the summer, followed by chocolate icecream. I really liked the style - long benches, so you could end up sitting next to a random stranger - good for a night out with friends but possibly not for a romantic dinner... The staff were very friendly and helpful and the food was delicious, though reasonably spicy - so not ideal if you don't like spicy food at all. The only small problem we had was that one person's main course was burnt so she sent it back and it was replaced with something undercooked, followed by the wrong pudding - although again this was speedily replaced. Definitely worth another visit.

After this we saw Juno - a fantastic film about a pregnant teenager. It was unmoralistic - no goodies or baddies, just flawed people dealing with problems as they arise - unsentimental and very funny – it reminded me of Napoleon Dynamite in its style. The acting was fantastic – so much shown without any words. I was concerned about the portrayal of the potential adoptive couple - a neurotic woman desperate for a baby with a husband who just wasn't sure: a bit of a cliched gender stereotype - but because of the strengths of the characters each person was an individual rather than representative of a group. Equally, there's been some debate about whether Juno is pro-life but I think the decision is portrayed as an individual one, set in the context of being 16 and pregnant, rather than a comment on all abortions everywhere, ever. One thing I loved was Juno's immaturity -she was funny and clever but the state of pregnancy didn't make her suddenly wiser, more virtuous or more mature - there was no suggestion that being pregnant makes you an adult, or a woman, or that pregnancy is the ultimate state for all women. And it managed all this with hardly any showing of sex or babies...

Here comes the sun...

2008-02-11T19:01:00.001Z

I have been reasonably successful in having more fun - I was out every night last week and did not cook once. This did result in me feeling quite ill and thinking I might faint/fit on Saturday. I will refine my goal somewhat - have more fun without making myself ill.

I got a hospital appointment letter for 19th Feb and was quite impressed. Then realised I'd been mis-referred - it said ECG* rather than EEG**. Turns out I'm having an ECG as well as an EEG and brain scan - Matt claims the doctor said he was sending me for one. I was quite alarmed. I'd come to terms with maybe having a weird brain but I appear not to be prepared for having a heart problem.

I'm applying for a job (regen stuff in Salford) and struggling to (a) convey just how amazing I am and (b) work out how to fill in bits of the form. For example, do I count as being disqualified from driving or does that just count for people who got caught drink-driving? Can I put that I've got a license and then explain that I can't use it or is it better just to say no? Do I say I have a disability, when the job doesn't actually ask for driving and that's the only bit I really have difficulties with? Do I even count as disabled? I've only had one fit. But my day-to-day functioning is impaired in that I can't drive. But then lots of people's day to day functioning is equally impaired by not managing to pass their driving test. I don't have epilepsy, just a good excuse to see pictures of the inside of my brain. Does not knowing how to answer questions on a job application count as an impairment? Fortunately there is a very helpful equality and diversity person at Salford Council who will hopefully ring me up and help me work out what to put.

But now that it's getting light again, I'm feeling happy. Life is worth living when it's sunny outside...

*heart-thingy

** brain thingy

Revelation/revolution

2008-02-01T21:05:00.000Z

I had a revelation last weekend.

I went to visit some friends of mine and they asked about things like my mother-in-law's wedding (in November) - I realised I hadn't seen them since October*.

I saw this** and laughed a lot, and it felt rather nice to be laughing and feeling endorphin-y, and it was a bit sobering to realise that I clearly don't laugh enough.

I realised: my life is shit.

Again, this isn't technically true. But I eat, sleep, work and study. This isn't a life. So I've decided. If I'm not good enough at studying to do well enough and see my friends and have fun, I'll just have to not be good enough. It's not the end of a career, just the curtailage of a particular career path.

So, I have a plan:

When I'm working, work hard. My time is valuable.
See my friends. Accept invitations. Arrange to see people. Have fun.
Find a new job. My ideal would be to get a Neighbourhood Management Officer job and do that for a few years and then move into strategy, research or policy. But, if no NMO jobs come up soon, I'll look for something else, somewhere else. I'm not feeling challenged enough and I need more responsibility. I like it where I work and I'd like to keep working there. But not doing this.

So. I went to Sanctus on Wednesday and saw people, and it was interesting. I met up with a friend for coffee and we talked about SPEAK stuff. And I'm starting planning the stewarding for a speak event in May. It involves a comedy night on the Sunday. Subject to not getting knackered organising stewarding, I'm going to restart my comedy by putting a short routine together. I'm excited because I love doing it.

I have decided. My life will be better.

I was going to blog about evolution and where the world comes from. Maybe next time...

*This turns out to be untrue. I saw them at a Christmas dinner.

**Too lazy to do my own linking, but Merlin's blog is very thought-provoking, so it's worth a visit. I'll be like the internet tourist board for a minute.

Eureka! A kick in the stomach...

2008-01-21T21:48:00.000Z

I would like to direct you to Nine Tenths Full of Penguins talking about Sigur Ros, who I unreasonably claim to dislike, and a moment of thrill he got when first hearing one of their songs.

I can't claim to have felt anything much when listening to it, but I did just get my own little jump-in-the-stomach feeling (no, not a baby, silly!).

I have been dragging on and on with an essay. It's always a worry, reading stuff, having no real sense of where I'm going to end up, and the terrible paralysising fear that I'm going to have nothing to say. Nothing at all. I'll work so hard and just tell the lecturer what all these other people said, and he'll say, well, yes, I knew that, that is why I am the lecturer and you are the tudent. Have a 35% fail.

And then, suddenly, I am writing the essay, and I look at what I've written about Single Regeneration Budget funding. And I look at what I want to write about the Pre-Volunteer Programme at the Commonwealth Games. And I realise... I can argue that the PVP was very successful, but the criticisms of it are the same as the criticisms of the SRB, and I can argue that it's likely that it was successful despite being SRB funded, and I realise that I have an argument! It may not be true and it may not be write, but it works!!!!!

So, obviously, I blog about it rather than writing my essay.

Now go back to advising me on laptops.

Technological advice request...

2008-01-19T13:47:00.000Z

Ok, my clever and technologically aware friends, I am thinking of buying a lap-top in the near future and would like some advice. My current desktop is a bit old and slow and gets tired and confused when asked to do too many things. And I'd like to be able to work all over the house and occasionally take it out and about with me - to work on the train, at university or at my mother-in-law's in Skye, for example.

I want to use it to:

Look at Facebook.
Listen to the comedy programme I like on Radio 4, which was on yesterday, in the kitchen, rather than Front Row.
Store all my photos and every essay I have ever written, plus 50 versions of my cv, just in case I do need an out-of-date cv to apply for an admin job at some point.
Listen to music.
Skype my best friend in Indonesia. I liked the idea of having a webcam to do this, until she pointed out that their internet connection is too poor to support webcam use and talking at the same time. But still...
Have 13 journal articles open at the same time.
Play World of Warcraftbadly and sulk because all my friends have levelled their characters faster than me. I maintain this is because I have a life.

I'd like to get something which will last me a long time and won't need replacing too soon. I'm expecting to spend more than £500 but hopefully not too much more. If it looked nice that would be a bonus, and if it was light and mobile, that would also be a bonus, but fairly low down my list of priorities. If could have a big screen for playing WoW, but still be small and easy to carry, that would be... miraculous?

So, advice? Who makes good laptops? What do you find really useful in yours? How do you find it for playing games? Any recommendations?

Thanks!

: )

2008-01-08T23:24:00.000Z

I can tell when I'm happy. I sing, badly, while rushing round the house randomly.

Today, finally, I feel happy again. I am looking at a catalogue of archived material from the 2002 Manchester Commonwealth Games, trying to decide which bits I really need to look at when I take a trip to the Central Library on Thursday morning. The bit I really need, the SRB bid, is restricted access, so they may not let me look at it.

I go to put some washing on and make a drink and find myself singing, very badly, to the bits I can remember of Earth Song. I am happy.

If only they didn't make me go to work, I could be this happy all the time.

I suppose it is possible work don't send me on this course just to make me happy.

p.s. I have an appointment with a neurodude at Tameside hospital on 2nd Feb. Hope wasn't even an option. Unless I'd like to sit on a waiting list for a very long time. No thanks, I'd rather be allowed to drive again.

Pretty shoes...

2007-12-29T13:49:00.000Z

So, I'm still worrying about the seizures - every time I feel 'funny' I wonder if I'm going to have another one. I try not to tell Matt every time I'm worried - there's no point in both of us worrying all the time. And he'd only try to ring me to check I'm ok, and I would have left my phone on silent, and he'd have to decide whether to rush home to check I'm not dead. Life has got slightly more complicated recently.

I'm also back to worrying about my essays. One is due on 18th and one on 25th January. I've emailed the course leader and my personal tutor to explain I'm having difficulties - I've been tired since the fit - I tried to do an hour's studying last Sunday and had to have an hour's nap in the afternoon. My personal tutor is amazing. She rings me up and runs through the options with me. I'm hoping to be allowed to put one essay off until the summer. Now I just have to try to work up the energy to study rather than look at Facebook.

I had lots of fun shopping yesterday - I'm going to a New Year's Eve cocktail party. Clearly I need a new dress. And some pretty shoes. I found both... though I am still no good at shoe-shopping - I wished to invoke the spirit of L1z but had to manage on my own... Which I did...

It was harder than you would imagine to find a pair of shoes with less than a 4" heel. I've decided that when there's a season of clothing which really suits you, you should run out and buy everything you can find as it will not happen again for at least four years...

Not driving home for Christmas

2007-12-20T12:18:00.000Z

Well, I have some news... I had a seizure last night. The world all went grey and buzzy and I collapsed. Fortunately I was with Matt so he caught me (mostly...) then I had a bit of a fit on the floor. To me it just felt like a big faint but Matt says I stopped breathing, went all rigid and was post-icstil (that is my guess at spelling - it means 'how people look after they've had a fit' and apparently only happens after someone's fitted).

So Matt called an ambulance, who took almost an hour to arrive, they tried to claim I'd probably fainted (it can be beneficial to have a paramedic for a husband!) and took me away to Tameside hospital, where we stayed until about 3.30 am. They did a whole load of tests, which said I was fine and not pregnant...

I went to my doctor this morning. He said he thought it was a vasovegal, which is a blackout due to low blood pressure caused by a fight-or-flight response. This was reassuring until Matt said it really wasn't a vasovegal.

So I've been referred to a neurologist and am not allowed to drive until I've been cleared. This is a world of suck, but I'll live with it. It ruins my Christmas plans to drive over to my parents' while Matt works nights but I really will live with that - I'm not really up for killing myself or others...

We've also remembered a 'fainting' episode I had about 5 years ago - I think Christmas is a trigger! I got up in the night to get a drink and collapsed in the kitchen. Matt found me after about 5 minutes, woke me up and I was horribly sick. Matt put it down to me eating about a kilo of mixed fruit and nuts, but the more I think about it the more it seemed similar to this. We'll see.

I'm not keen on being epileptic but it wouldn't be the end of the world - it's manageable. What I can't bear is the thought of losing my driving licence after less than a year, and losing the whole range of driving-licence-necessary job opportunities that I tried so hard to get it for.

Regenerating

2007-12-12T16:38:00.000Z

I'm in the library printing off approximately 350 pages or so of journal articles in preparation for my next assignment. I'm writing a report on a central government regeneration policy, evaluating it and comparing it to a local implementation of that policy. the idea is to reflect on what works in regeneration.

I'm looking at the Single Regeneration Budget, an attempt by the Conservatives in 1994 to streamline a whole range of funding pots, which was carried on by Labour until the early 2000s. My local example is the 2002 Commonwealth Games in Manchester which used funding from Round 5 of the SRB to attempt to leave a regeneration legacy. I don't have any real conclusions at the moment but I'm hoping it will come together at some point... I'm thinking about focussing on whether the volunteer programme actually increased skills for local people, particularly in East Manchester, but I will have to see what I can actually find...

I am feeling very encouraged in my studying at the moment. I've really enjoyed writing these essays, apart from the stress of trying to get them finished and not having enough time to get beyond the beginning of an argument. And being expected to do things like go to work and cook dinner and go out to see friends occasionally. I think I'd quite happily sit in my attic in my pyjamas thinking about things, emerging occasionally to make coffee... I've had a couple of marks back - I got 68% for a report on the Hills Review and 74% for a timed essay* on Housing Market Renewal. I still have another essay due back, which should be posted to me by Christmas - the lecturer kindly told us that a few people had done exceptionally well, most were average and a few people seemed to be really struggling, leaving us all imagining we're the ones who'll be re-sitting come July. Guess I'd better work really hard on this essay just in case!

*an exam trying to sound less threatening

Good morning?

2007-11-28T04:58:00.000Z

Well, I'm definitely a student again.

With an essay due tomorrow, I have sayed up nearly all night to get it finished. I'm not sure it's the best essay ever, but at 5 am I fnd it hard to care.

Well, I suppose I'll get 3 hours of sleep. I'm almost tempted to go to sleep in my clothes to save time getting dressed in the morning.

But only almost...

In the bleak mid-winter

2007-11-22T20:06:00.000Z

I am looking forward to the day that cryostasis becomes reality. I will get them to stick me in the deep freeze round about mid-october and take me out again in mid- to late-march. I will even co-ordinate my departure and arrival so it gets dark at roughly the same time so I won't feel disorientated, like I do when the clocks go back.

I suppose the alternative would be to spend six months of the year in Australia. That would be a little less pleasingly sci-fi though.

If I die...

2007-11-21T18:57:00.000Z

$4225.00

Miami Dating

Over £2000 - though it wouldn't even pay off my student loans...

What's wrong with this picture?

2007-11-04T20:17:00.000Z

I've just got back from an extremely fun weekend of being ridiculed by my Greenbelt support steward friends. I'm quite tired, due to staying up too late and drinking a lot (but not falling over or being sick this time).

I drove down. It's the first time I've driven such a long way - we were near Chepstow, on South Wales.

Let's look at the stats:

Distance home: 168 miles.
Time taken to get home: about 4 hours
Incidents of swearing at drivers: twice, in my head.

Distance there: 180 miles
Time taken to get there: nearly 5.5 hours
Incidents of swearing at drivers: numerous, at high volume

Let's see if there's any reason for this discrepancy:

On the way down, I gave a friend a lift. Let's call him... Handbag... to protect his identity. So we set off. I have excellent directions provided by the friend we're staying with. I give the directions to Handbag. We're driving down the M6 and it's reasonably busy. Handbag suggests the M6 Toll road to avoid congestions. I ask if we can still get on our route. Handbag assures me that we can. We drive down the M6 Toll and look for signs onto the M5, our next road. Turns out this is via the M42. I think this is a bit odd. Oh well.

Handbag rings the friend we're staying with to tell her where we're up to. She expresses some surprise that we're on the M42. She then rings Guilty* who is also driving up. He's some way along the M5, which is jam-packed, and knows the M42, which is also jam-packed. He wets himself laughing.

If you look at the larger map andcan see our journey, you might see where we went wrong...

View Larger Map

Obviously, I blame Handbag.

Not that the journey back was over an hour qicker, despite everything above Cheltenham being wreathed in fog (I learnt where my fog lights are). Moral of the story? Don't believe people when they tell you they can map-read.

*Yes, all my friends really do have weird names.

Bollocks!

2007-10-31T22:34:00.000Z

I didn't get the job.

It sucks.

I feel like I compromised my interview preparation by trying to work on my essay, and my essay work by doing interview preparation.

Oh well, I suppose sometimes life is sad and there's nopoint whining about it.

Feeling hectic

2007-10-27T21:24:00.000+01:00

Thought I'd just give a bit of an update as my life is feeling a bit crazy at the moment.

I working on my report and would like to hand it in while at uni on Wednesday to save another trip on Friday, but I don't think I'll manage it. It's coming together but I'd like another couple of weeks to think about my arguments and back them up, and maybe, just maybe, read some interesting things.

I have an interview on Tuesday morning for the Neighbourhood Management Officer job, which means that getting the report done for Wednesday is unlikely. By my reckoning there are 6 other people being interviewed. I'm hopeful - I'd really like the job - but I'll just have to see how it goes on the day.

Next weekend I'm going down to south Wales (I forget where - hopefully I'll remember by the time I set off) to see Greenbelt stewarding friends. I'm expecting lots of fun and some fireworks. I'm also driving down which I'm quite excited about - I haven't done much long-distance driving.

And then, after that, Matt and I are going up to Skye for his mum's wedding. It's a very long way - 8 hours driving plus any stops. We went to the Trafford Centre today to try to get clothes to wear to the wedding but didn't realise it shut at 8 rather than 10 so were not ultimately successful. It's not like I have time for another shopping trip but I will just have to find time...

Genius!

2007-10-08T22:08:00.000+01:00

I was listening to Genius on Radio 4 this evening. The idea is that people come up with ideas that they think are genius, and a Radio 4-type celebrity (funny, clever or, usually, both) decided whether they are or not, and then the audience decides which is most genius. You had to feel sorry for one guy. His idea was "husbands 4 justice". Rather than campaigning for access to their children, they want their wives to make them hot puddings, initally on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, working up to 7 days a week. He thought he was presenting to Nigella Lawson. Turns out it's Germaine Greer. She was never going to like it...

I'm going for promotion at work. It's weird. I've never been for promotion before. Not only do I have the worry that I'm not presenting myself aboslutely as well as I can, I also have the fear that, as these people have seen me work for the past year, they might sit reading my appliaction and saying She really thinks she's that good? You can't blag your way through interviews in quite the same way, I'm guessing.

I know I can do the job, I really want it, and it's a very public competition. If I don't get it I will feel like I've let myself down because I know I can. If only I can write the right think on this damn application form... I keep thinking "I'm sure I've done other things like this...". Just have to remember them...

Fight! Fight! Fight!

2007-09-17T18:21:00.000+01:00

I just re-remembered Googlefight! I was hoping it might help me to win an argument. It didn't, but it pleased me again...

Answers on a postcard...

2007-09-16T12:48:00.000+01:00

PostSecret has, I imagine, become a Sunday habit for many people. I'll have a look at the post-cards sent in anonymously, handmade, revealing people's deepest secrets. I love it because it shows that my deepest secret isn't just my secret. The thing you think you could never confess because it is too terrible? Send it in and someone will say, "I feel that too".

Try to visit PostSecret today and you'll find a blank page owned by Nicole, who has been on Blogger since September 2007. 7741 people had viewed her profile last time I looked, so I'm guessing it really is a habit for many people. We're all wondering where PostSecret has gone. Has Nicole stolen it? Is this the end?

Obscure Greenbelt post

2007-09-08T18:32:00.000+01:00

I just found this. I thought it was just me.

A growing problem...

2007-09-03T19:25:00.000+01:00

So, I signed up a very nice tenant today. We were chatting and I asked her about her baby - how old he was, that sort of thing. And then she looked at me and asked, "Is that your first?"

I said, "No, it's just fat." She had the grace to look very embarrassed.

It's a family thing. Both my sisters put weight on on their bellies in a vaguely pregnancy-bump style as well. We don't know about my mum as she doesn't put weight on.

Fortunately I don't have issues about how I look as this isn't the first time this has happened by a long way. Possibly, if I did have issues, it wouldn't happen as I'd lose the bump.

However, I do know that I need to do some exercise and lose some weight to feel healthier. The problem is that I am very lazy and don't really like exercise. I'll do it for a few days and then I get bored. I quite often feel too tired to exercise (I know, if did more exercise and lost some weight I'd have more energy...) and there's always things I'd rather do. But I think, if I don't do it now, maybe I'll just get older and fatter...

Any suggestions?

Greenbelt '07

2007-08-29T16:55:00.000+01:00

I'm back from Greenbelt! This has definitely been my favourite Greenbelt ever – much better without a broken leg!

I work as a support steward. We start at 7 pm (ish) and finish at 3 am (ish). We help other stewarding teams when they need it, we wander round and talk to Greenbelters, we look for lost children, and do anything else we're asked to do to make Greenbelt a safe and pleasant place to be.

I love being part of the support team – we work together every year and meet up between Greenbelts so we do know each other well. It's a varied and interesting job, and more challenging than a lot of stewarding roles. Other stewards seem to appreciate us as we help them out with managing difficult situations and talk to them when they're bored on a gate somewhere. I feel like when I'm stewarding, I'm most like me, and most happy.

I've reflected a lot on what I like and don't like about my job this year. I like the first half of the evening best – we help out with venues and queues and talk to Greenbelters more. The second half seems to be more security-ish – looking for people who are trying to get into Greenbelt who shouldn't, or people who are causing trouble somewhere. I'm not so keen on it – partly because I have less experience of it and partly because I'm not sure what I'd do with people if I did catch them...

There were some highlights this year. I helped Venues stewards manage a huge queue for a small circus venue which was due to go in at the same time as a singing event in the organic beer tent was due to kick out – through the circus queue... I also helped to manage the queue for the Delirious signing – only 40 people or so turned up but it was fun anyway. And we went as a team to the Site Stewards' team briefing to heckle Stuart Traffic – I think we enjoyed it more than he did... Sanctus1, the church I'm part of, led the main communion service. I sat in the arena stage. We all released helium balloons – we all watched as ours rose into the sky, and then a second wave of balloons from main stare reminded us that, although we were at two venues with a different feel, we were still at once service. It was magical.

Greenbelt also sees me at my worst. I'm not a morning person. But when I'm woken up by a load of famillies going to a worship event after about 5 hours sleep, I can be a bit irritable. And sometimes, inadvisably, I might express that irritation. Equally, asking a 12-year-old if he was a horse because he was crossing the race track might not have been the best attempt at communication I have ever made (yes, we learnt about sarcasm at basic training. Yes, I've got my name down for re-training next year).

And at my drunkest. This year I discovered I like cider. Stories differ on how much I drunk, but I think it's fair to say that it was probably more than I should have had. At least I'm a happy drunk – between my morning irritability (“I hate you all”) and my drunken ramblings (“You do know that I love you, don't you?” - yes, I am embarrassed) I probably equate to a pleasant human being. I did fall off the pub bench of my own accord once, but I was definitely pushed the rest of the time... I have never been sick in a portaloo before and think I'm probably lucky I don't remember much about it. But I am definitely lucky to have to good friends I do who took me to the toilet, to my tent, put a duvet over me and stayed up to make sure I was ok. It's friends like these that make Greenbelt what it is.

Bastards!

2007-08-13T12:44:00.000+01:00

I was mugged last night. Walking home from the station in the pouring rain, someone grabbed my arm. I screamed and felt my bag pulled out of my hand, so I turned round and saw a man running away with it. I shouted "stop thief!" (being, as I was, in a 1950s cop film) and chased him shouting "give me back my bag, you bastard!". He jumped in a car which was waiting with its engine running, and they drove away.

I am lucky: I wasn't hurt, they didn't get my keys or phone or my mp3 player. They took my purse so I've had to cancel my bank cards, and they've got a load of other useful and sentimentally valuable things. They've got a very nice bag. They've got my Manchester A-Z. They've taken the job application I was working on. And they've taken my sense of safety. I am fairly safety-conscious when walking about but it was a main-ish road and it wasn't that late or that dark. I'm not prepared to live in fear of crime, but I am quite shaken.

And having a bit of a bad week of it too. Last Wednesday I went out for drinks in Manchester with some friends. While walking to the bus stop a man tried to get me into his car - not by force but by claiming to be a taxi. Having been brought up to be aware of Stranger Danger, I said no, but I still felt intimidated on a dark and empty street but a man driving alongside me in a car. I told some police officers who said it is a bit problem. Unfortunately I couldn't remember the numberplate. But it makes me appreciate Nexus, which runs a night cafe offering coffee and safe, legal taxis.

I'm not saying Manchester is a dangerous place to live, just that some people are bastards.

Party party party!

2007-08-11T14:50:00.000+01:00

We picked up our keys just after 3pm.

We now own a house.

The move was incredibly smooth. We are incredibly grateful to everyone who helped with lugging about heavy furniture and putting together stuff from IKEA, carrying things up into the attic, and waiting patiently while I deliberated over having the shelves in the lounge or the bedroom. I think you people may be relieved that now we've bought a house we won't be asking you to help us move again for a while...

We're mostly unpacked and life feels back to normal - last weekend we did no unpacking or house stuff at all - we did do a lot of drinking though! There are still quite a few things which need sorting out/moving/unpacking/putting up and some bits of painting and decorating. We've had a few problems (such as the bath overflow overflowing directly into the kitchen on ou first night...) and it turns out to be a bit scary being responsible for the house - there are times when a landlord is a wonderful thing - we had a few problems with our gas meter and boiler today and I didn't like having to sort it all out myself....

So we are having a housewarming party on Saturday 18th August from 4pm. It's going to be a barbecue. If you'd like to come, stick your email address in the comments section and I'll send you some details.

Waiting...

2007-07-20T13:01:00.000+01:00

Due to complete today. I have been at work this morning and been on edge waiting for someone to ring me to tell me I can pick up the keys to my new house. It is now 1 o'clock and no-one has rung.

What if there is a problem? What if there is a bit of paper missing? What if the money hasn't come through?

So far our solicitor has been pretty good.

We have somewhere between six and eight people coming to help us move tomorrow. I need my keys NOW!*

Will be off-line for a bit until we get the internet set up in OUR NEW HOUSE...

*Do you ever get the sense from reading my blog that I might occasionally be a bit impatient?

A few tears

2007-07-10T21:31:00.000+01:00

I have just put my beautiful wedding dress in a box to post it to the Oxfam bridal department in Bradford.

I got married on 27th July 2002. I have never felt or looked so beautiful in my life and I can't imagine I ever will again. And, to be honest, I don't think I really want to.

I never wanted to keep my wedding dress - it seems a waste for it to slowly decompose in a wardrobe or in my attic. It is so beautiful and special that someone else should get to wear it.

But...

Most charity shops have wedding dresses that were made in 1985 and look horrible. It's too beautiful to be in a shop with them.

I couldn't put it on e-bay because most wedding dresses there sell for about £50 and it is too precious and valuable to sell it for that little.

As we're moving again, this seems an ideal time to pass it on. So I'm giving it to Oxfam, who have a bridal department in Bradford. I like Oxfam - I like the variety and quality of the work they do - and their charity shops usually seem slightly nicer than most. And, as I'm posting it, I can imagine it is in a beautiful bridal department, with a whole host of other beautiful wedding dresses, in the company it deserves.

While I never wanted to keep it, I am sad to see it go. And yes, I did cry a little as I shut the lid.

Complete!

2007-07-05T18:00:00.000+01:00

We have agreed to complete on the 20th! It looks like we could have done it a bit earlier if we wanted but two weeks for packing and organising everything seems like a good idea. I am VERY EXCITED.

So we should get the keys at lunchtime on the 20th and I'll take the afternoon off work (and try to avoid putting anything serious or complicated in my calendar for the morning. Then we can go and look at the house - and hope we still like it - and plan where to put all our furniture. Then on the 21st it will be the big move. If anyone would like to help lug boxes and carry shelves, we'd love to have you. I promise to do my best not to get injured in the next 15 days and also to remember that boxes full of books are VERY HEAVY.

Woo-hoo!

2007-06-28T19:23:00.000+01:00

Our contracts have arrived in the post today! I've read everything through twice and everything seems ok. So now we have to sign everything, some signatures being witnessed, and post it back to our solicitor. Then the sellers have to sign some other things. Then we have to agree our moving date and give the solicitor the best part of £1000. And start putting things in boxes.

I am terrified.

Brenda RIP

2007-06-24T12:03:00.001+01:00

My goldfish, Brenda, died today. She was just over 7. I feel a bit sad. I hope she's gone to the great fishbowl in the sky, where she can be re-united with Barry, who didn't live quite so long...