I did not know...

... that babies take up so much time.

... just how tired I would be.

... how confusing it is to love someone so much when they stop me sleeping so often.

... how little there is worth watching at 5am.

... that my life would change so completely.

Special delivery!

Look what we found under the Christmas tree!

Phoebe Ella was born at 12.16 pm on Friday 18th December weighing 7lbs. She is so beautiful. We came home from hospital on Tuesday as she had some jaundice and difficulty learning to breastfeed. Looking after her is the hardest and most tiring thing we've ever done, but by far the best.

Here she is just after she was born:

And here we are yesterday - she's getting bigger already!

Moving towards maternity

I left work to start my maternity leave on Friday. I have been really looking forward to this as I've been so tired and, over the past few weeks, my focus has been moving more and more from trying to get my project finished to getting ready to have a baby. I've been very lucky in having someone gradually taking over my work, so I haven't had to worry and I know I'm leaving things in very competent hands.

I had a lovely last day - I came home feeling that I'd finished everything, feeling appreciated and with lots of nice presents. But still, it's strange to leave work knowing I won't be back for a very long time - it almost feels like forever. Since university I've always worked and usually combined working with other things - voluntary activities, studying - so I've been constantly busy for 7 years. Suddenly, all I have to do is rest and get ready to have a baby. We're nearly ready - there are a few bits and pieces to finish off and quite a lot of cleaning and tidying which we would benefit from doing. But mostly, nothing. And this baby could take another 5 weeks to appear! However, I am very tired, and struggling to sleep at the moment, so I think I'll appreciate all the rest I can get.

We had a trip to the hospital for a labour day a few weeks ago which helped me to feel more ready to give birth. And yesterday we did the first part of our National Childbirth Trust antenatal classes - we met some really nice parents-to-be and it made us think about preparing for labour and what life will be like with a baby - it was a really useful day. I'm not sure I still quite believe that a baby is going to turn up very soon though!

Her Fearful Symmetry

I did promise I would tell you what I thought of Her Fearful Symmetry. Unfortunately, since finishing it I've been asleep most of the time. Yesterday, for example, I was in bed for all but 7 hours of the day. That's pregnancy for you.

So. It wasn't The Time Traveler's Wife. And I don't love it as much as The Time Traveler's Wife. But then, how much did you like your best friend when you first met them? Or the person you're now married to? Maybe there was some sort of spark there, you found them more interesting than other people. But you probably didn't actually like them as much as you do now.

Well, that's how much I like Her Fearful Symmetry. It is a good book. I read it constantly until I'd finished. And when I'd finished it, I wanted to go back and read it again straight away. Partly, admittedly, because it was a bit confusing and I wanted to work out exactly what was going on. But also because it's one of those books I want to read as fast as possible to find out what is happening, and then want to read again because I want to pay attention properly.

It's a ghost story. But it's not a scary ghost story. It's got some identical twins in it. It doesn't have the moments of unbearable tragedy found in The Time Traveler's Wife (where you cry when you realise what's going to happen and then cry again when it does) but it has a different sort of sadness. I'm looking forward to it coming out in paperback, when I will buy it and read it again.

When not asleep, I've also read The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell. It's Jesuits In Space. Seriously. You would have to be prepared to tolerate space travel and aliens in a novel to enjoy it. But it's beautiful and brutal. And has a sequel which isn't quite as good. What more could you ask for from a novel?

One hit wonders?

'Her Fearful Symmetry' by Audrey Niffenegger is sitting on my sofa waiting to be read. I am both afraid and anticipatory. Her previous novel, 'The Time Traveler's Wife' is one of the most beautiful and devastating books I have read, with a unique approach to time travel which makes it seem almost natural. I have high hopes for her new book.

However, I've found that when I read anything by the authors of some of my favourite novels, they're just not that good. 'The Poisonwood Bible' is deeply engaging and takes you into another culture and unbelievable lives. 'The Bean Trees', also by Barbara Kingsolver, is ok, but I wouldn't go further than that. 'The Secret History' is very clever and dark and involving, but 'The Little Friend' is just unpleasant. And 'We need to talk about Kevin' - well... To finally find someone who would admit the possibility that having children might not be everything it is cracked up to be, to have a believable and likeable character say that they weren't really sure they wanted children, but had one anyway, and it turned out they didn't really like it - it posed questions, it moved me, it challenged me. Whereas Lionel Shriver's other two novels which I have read - I don't like anyone in 'Double Fault' and 'The Post-Birthday World' just really isn't good.

Maybe it isn't fair to describe these authors as one-hit wonders just because I like one book so much more than the others. Maybe their other novels are actually not that bad, just not as good as the books I love. Maybe it's me - some books just struck a chord with me and I failed to connect with the others. But whatever, I'll let you know how I get on with my new book.

Why we should be oviparous

1. It's hard to turn over in bed.

2. I think my pelvis has broken.

3. Everyone can see that you are pregnant. There's no privacy. Really.

4. It's a dense weight attached to your front which makes walking up slopes tiring.

5. It's not cute to have a baby kicking around inside you. It's just weird.

6. Indigestion and heartburn.

7. I don't fit in spaces I used to.

I am happy to look after an egg and carry it round for 9 months. I'll get an incubator to put it in at work. We can take turns to look after it. I think eggs are the way forward. Now we just need the science to catch up.

Education for all?

So the Confederation of British Industry think students should pay more to go to university and be lent the money at a more 'realistic' rate of interest? Ok, let's make it retrospective. Let's charge all those who benefited from free tuition and grants the money that was used to subsidise their education. Let's charge realistic interest, backdated to when they graduated. And let's compound it. And then we'll see how the CBI like it.

I was one of the first students to be charged tuition fees. I missed out on getting a grant by taking a year out. This was possibly the most expensive year out ever as I left university with debts of around £12,000. I now pay this back at a rate of 9% of everything I earn over £15,000 pa. Once interest is taken into account, I pay about £500 off my loan each year, which means effectively I am paying a graduate tax, as I will pay my loan off roughly around the same time as my mortgage.

I do feel that my generation of students have been pretty much screwed, as not only do we pay a lot for our education, we're also experiencing high house prices - unlike those people who experienced free university education and then benefited from huge growth in the equity in their property - which leaves very little money to save for pensions or anything else. I don't think this country is 'going to the dogs' or all the other things people seem to like to say - I just feel frustrated that the generation above us have benefited from free education and are now so keen to pull up the ladder.

Things I'm not sad to be missing

This is my second-worst August bank holiday for about 9 years. This is because I'm not at Greenbelt, my favourite festival in all the world. Normally I steward, and I love it. This year I am not stewarding, due to being 5 months pregnant, which means I need to go to bed at a reasonable time and get tired after walking for about 10 minutes. This is not conducive to being part of a team who spend the hours between 7pm and 3am walking round Cheltenham racecourse.

However, my worst August bank holiday was about 3 years ago, when I went to Greenbelt but didn't steward due to having a broken leg. I spent the weekend feeling miserable at missing out on the stewarding fun. I decided not to risk that this year. Instead I am staying at home, going to a wedding and watching ER. We might go and look at cots tomorrow. I feel like I've made the right choice but I do still feel sad and am missing my friends and stewarding. I'm already trying to work out how to manage to steward next year while having an 8-month-old baby.

I am fortunate to be kept up-to-date with what is going on at Greenbelt by text message and Merlin's blog. Which does remind me of some of the things I'm not missing - sweeping the campsite for intruders in the early hours of the morning being one of them!

A picture of Spoonface

This is my baby at 21 weeks, which was pretty much 2 weeks ago. That's how up-to-date I am.

Apart from the baby refusing to show its face, a crucial part of the scanning process, and then the fire alarm going off while I was walking around to try to make it change position, the scan was pretty uneventful. The baby looks healthy and the sonographer thinks it's a girl. While she won't say for sure, she didn't say it was hard to tell. So I'm guessing when it comes out it will be female.

We're calling her Spoonface for now - Matt made it up and it seems to have stuck. We're hoping to come up with something better by the time she's born but I think we're not going to tell anyone. My sister can't quite believe we're not even going to tell her what we're thinking of calling the baby.

Spoonface is getting bigger and is very kicky. There's just something wrong about being kicked by a small baby from the inside. It's reassuring that she's ok, but it just doesn't feel like it should be happening.

I'm starting to feel very excited about having a baby, and counting down the weeks until I can start maternity leave (13 1/2) - I am enjoying my new job (not so new any more!) but looking forward to not having to get up and try to be coherent five days in a row!

Rod Liddle is an idiot

It's been an interesting week for women in the news.  Harriet Harman has been left in charge while Gordon Brown is on holiday and has shared a few thoughts about the current position of women in society and politics.  This has been presented in the most sensationalist manner.  'Business and politics work better with both men and women in leadership' becomes 'Harriet Harman says men can't be left in charge'.  Tanya Gold writes an interesting piece on how the response to Harriet Harman is misogynistic.

I'm not happy with the idea of quotas for women in leadership, as Harriet Harman has suggested.  But I'm not really happy with all-male leadership either.  I feel pleased to have a senior politician who is actively raising questions about the poor state of gender equality in Britain at the moment.  Things are vastly improved and I'm grateful, but there's a long way to go.  It's nice to hear someone actually talking about it.

Nursery puzzles

Life is full of questions I hadn't expected to need to answer.  For example, what do you put in a nursery?  We've moved the spare bed out of the spare room and into the attic, so that's a good start - there is now room for other furniture in there.  Matt's going to do a bit of a paint job and we're getting Little Miss and Mr Men stickers to go on the wall, so it will look like a room for a baby.

But then what?  I guess we'll get a cot from somewhere.  But I really have no idea what else to put in there.  Baby stuff shops seems to sell changing tables, but it seems a bit of a waste of space when there's a perfectly good floor for changing on.  And nursery furniture sets also seem to often come with a wardrobe, but I'm not really sure why you'd want a wardrobe for baby clothes.  It's not like it's going to have full length dresses for a long time, if at all.  

I'm tempted to leave it until the baby is actually here and we can work out what we need ("wouldn't it be useful to have somewhere to put all this [insert name of things which need storing]?" "yes, let's go and buy a [insert storage device]") but the impression I get is that you only have half an hour at any one time to do anything with a small baby.  Not long enough to work out what it is we need, never mind find it, buy it and put it together.

Planning for a baby is really quite puzzling.

Moving on

During the first three months of being pregnant I was frustrated at not being able to blog about it, about everything I was thinking about and feeling and experiencing.  You should probably all be very glad.  So I expected to write a little more than I have done now that it's public knowledge.

However...

This baby was quite a surprise and it's been a huge adjustment.  My future looks very different to what I was expecting.  Some of it feels like quite a loss to me, although I know once the baby is actually here I will be so pleased and excited.  But I don't really want the baby looking back at my blog in 10 years time and seeing lots of negative things.  So far, the baby feels like more of an idea than a person and I know I will love the person.

I've also been SO tired.  It's hard to think of anything much to say.  I go to work, I come home, I lie on the sofa, I go to bed.  I can't really write about work (going well, a bit stressful at times) and there's really not much else going on.  So not much to inspire me to write.

And mostly I'm bored and miserable.  I'm too tired to do much and I feel ill.  This morning I was sick again - a less-than-welcome second-trimester development.  Ok, I've only been sick three times - it's not major-league suffering.  But everyone spends the whole of early pregnancy promising you amazing energy and wellbeing during your second trimester.  I'm nearly halfway through my second trimester and the blooming is yet to start.

However...

Things are getting better.  Overall, I do feel less ill.  I've got a little bump.  We heard the baby's heartbeat.  We bought a pram (it's amazing how much difference a pram in the corner makes - apparently we really are going to have a baby).  In another few weeks we'll have the 20 week scan and maybe find out whether it's a boy or a girl.  Matt is starting work on the nursery.  It feels like we're moving on.

Surprise?

A lot of people have asked whether we intend to find out whether we are having a boy or girl at the next scan.  I'm not sure whether I want to, but I've been given a lot of advice!  Some people say they found out and it helped them to bond, some people say it's a lovely surprise waiting until it's born.  A lot of people are just too impatient or want to be able to buy blue or pink clothes.

as you can imagine, I'm not a big advocate of pink for girls and blue for boys.  But one thing I've noticed is that a lot of the people who think it helps with bonding are men, and a lot of the people who think it's nice to wait are women.  Not exclusively, by a long way, but my unscientific research appears to show a trend.  I wonder whether it's because women feel the have enough bonding carrying the baby around inside them and want a nice surprise as a reward for their labour?

Surprise!

I was looking forward to blogging about this but realised everyone pretty much who reads my blog and will care already knows.

I am going to have a baby!  On or around 17th December.  I have a little bump to show for it.  The past couple of months have been fairly horrible - getting over the shock, feeling sick, feeling tired, getting up to wee in the night - it is a relief to finally have told people, and to feel excited with people.  And the second trimester is supposed to be a lot more fun!

I'm hoping that the baby is born early-ish as I think the closer it is to Christmas, the less chance it has of anyone ever coming to its birthday parties apart from me.

It's been really strange seeing how life changes.  We planned to buy a new car and Matt wanted something a bit sporty.  We found out we were pregnant and bought something with room in the boot for a pram.  I have to think about prams.  I have to drink lots of water and avoid eating shellfish.  We have nappies in our spare room.  I feel like I had an idea of what I wanted my life to be like, and it seemed to be working out, and now I'm heading into an unimaginable future.

I know, when we get there and the baby comes out, it will be amazing, and everything will be fine and I will (mostly) be very happy (apart from day 4, apparently, when all new mums cry).  But for now, I'm still a bit surprised.

A lovely weekend

I am going to have a lovely weekend.  Today I am going to go for a walk in the park in the sun (if Matt ever wakes up after a night shift) and do karaoke at Tiger Tiger.  Tomorrow I am going to see my sister and my nephew.  And on Monday (which I'm counting as part of the weekend - after the bank holiday last weekend I'm starting to believe all weekends are three days long!) I'm off work as my best friend is back from Indonesia and we're spending the day in Manchester: shopping, buying books, drinking coffee.

I wish you all a lovely weekend too!

New kid

I started my new job today.  And I survived!  I had a meeting to discuss what I need to do, which was useful.  I met my new team, who seem nice.  I made some lists of things to do and a list of people I need to see.  I went out for a leaving lunch with my old team.  I got my phone number transferred.  I regretted getting my old number transferred when I ended up getting numerous phone calls from and about old tenants.

So far, so good.

In other news, I had a small bump in my car on Thursday.  I was fine, it was less so.  Maybe I'm just really not destined to drive!

New starts and summer's coming!

I finally have a start date for my new job.  I'm starting on Monday.  I was off work yesterday, working on uni stuff, and I'm in uni today.  This gives me two days to tie up all the loose ends and make my desk tidy.

I'm excited about starting my new job - I'm going to be responsible for moving tenants out of their accommodation into new accommodation.  I'm really looking forward to having a job where I plan what I'm going to do and then, for the most part, do it, rather than just dealing with whatever the day throws at me.  It's going to be challenging trying to keep people happy and facilitate the moves, but it's really good to do something new.

I'm also excited because I am hopeful that two weeks today I will have handed in all my university work and be free for the summer to do summery things, like go to the pub and actually go outside and see people.  It is the end of my hermitage.  Until next winter, when I'll crawl back into a dark cave and sleep for 6 months.

The end is in sight

I'm working on a presentation for uni which I need to hand in on Wednesday.  I'm also supposed to have a first draft of some group work done for Wednesday. I have a research project to do for the middle of May and also a careers plan to hand in towards the end of May.  It feels like so much work to do - I feel like I've been doing this for a very long time and I feel so tired.  But just now, I feel like I might be able to do it - I might just manage to hand in all my work in a passable state, on time.

That feels like achievement enough for me, just now.

Are you speculative?

Phil Spencer, of Location Location, has just seen his luxury home-finding business collapse.  He says "The correction in the housing market continues to unfold with unprecedented speed... And nobody can know how long this is all going to take to turn around and we should be highly speculative of anyone who claims to be able to do so."

I don't think he means 'speculative'.  I think he was aiming for 'suspicious' or 'wary' or something similar.  Not to worry, he's still got his Channel 4 presenting job finding homes for people with more money than sense of proportion.

New! New! News!

I have some exciting news!  I have a new job!  I'm going to be a project officer!  

It's an internal move and is a sideways move rather than a promotion, but I get to sit on the third floor rather than the first floor and have some new experiences.

I'll be liaising with tenants in relation to new-build projects, which should be interesting, and also looking at some our projects and seeing what we can do better.  I'm excited about learning some new skills and using some of my planning skills, rather than just being responsive to tenant enquiries.  It will be good to use some of the project management skills I've learnt in a new context.

I will be sad to leave my team, as we have a lot of fun, but I feel very excited - I feel like my career is moving on...