I love you. I really do. I love you allllllll...

Sometimes my life feels a bit rubbish. But I've just been to Sanctus and I feel happy. There's something about sitting outside a pub cheering a man on a hydraulic platform (what were you doing, man? Cleaning windows? Stealing? Street theatre? We don't know) with friends which just makes life better. You people... you make me laugh, you make me feel special, you laugh at my jokes and you let me tell pointless and meandering stories badly.

Honestly, I'm gushing. I'm not saying anything I want to say and I'm not even saying things I don't want to say with any kind of finesse or style. But I just feel pleased to have friends I like and who seem to like me too. I want to run up to them and throw my arms around them and thank them for being my friends, for being amazing, for... I don't know what. However, I think that might frighten them.

So I think it's better that I just go to bed now. Goodnight.

four things I'd like to tell you

A good few days...

1. Cheesy dancing at Aqua. It's a bit of a dive but friendly. Added excitement when the night finished very suddenly at 1.30 due to a drugs raid.

2. A barbecue. The weather mostly held and lots of people came. I feel very special having so many people coming to celebrate my birthday.

3. Yesterday, my actual birthday, was a bit lame. I've developed an unpleasant cough/cold/sore throat/headache, so I was a bit too tired. I'm liking the feel of 27 so far though.

4. Results! I got 64% for the module I've done this term and 72% for the year-long module. So that makes my average something like 65%. Hopefully I should get a merit for the year and also about £500 back in tuition fees. And a sense of achievement - I think I've made the right decision in not doing any more studying, but now I also feel like a success.

Hurrah for me. cough cough.

Cheese-a-rama

I am tired because I got up at 6.15 this morning to go to Chester for a meeting. As it took 3 hours travel each way for one meeting I'm not sure how efficient it was. While I support the idea of public transport (and not just because I can't drive...) it doesn't feel very feasible for work. Tomorrow I'm going to Huddersfield and Leeds and will be out of the house for 12 hours - I have a couple of hours empty time in the middle) and on Friday I have to go to a conference in Ormskirk, for which I will be getting up at about 6.00 and be out of the house for 9 hours or so.

However, nothing can dampen my enthusiasm! This weekend it is my birthday and I will be 27! I'm very excited about this as I like odd numbers. 26 has not had much to recommend it so I'm happy to move on. To celebrate I am going out dancing on Friday night - we're meeting at the Knott Bar at 8 and then going somewhere to dance to cheesy music. Then on Saturday we are having a barbecue and I intend to have a big cake as well, to celebrate my birthday and finishing studying. Matt is going to make it for me. One year he made me a surprise birthday cake and I was very happy. This one is unsurprising but I hope will be equally pleasing.

If you would like to come post your email address and I'll send directions.

Any ideas for where we can find 80s cheese in Manchester?

Is it so much to ask that someone gives me a job?

I have been turned down for another job this week and it's getting a bit depressing - apart from anything else, there are other things I'd like to do on a Friday evening than write supporting statements for application forms.

I know that I am very talented and, if I was given a good job I could do it very well and be happy. After all, I'm a master of strategy, I have excellent communication skills, I'm enthusiastic and I'm funny. So why wouldn't anyone want me?

1. If your office was full of spiders you might get a bit tired of me being scared of them.
2. You might not be intereted in what I think about gender, how the economy would be better if everyone worked less and gardened more, or why people profiting from investing in property is unhelpful.
3. You might like having a big car and driving it around a lot.
4. You might not want to find me talking every time you come in the office (but honestly, it's a coincidence...)
5. You might just be really stupid.

Ok, I'm done. Back to the applications.

Must lose weight

Am spurred to lose weight and develop a very flat stomach. Have just been asked by a colleague if I'm pregnant.

No, just fat.

Tired and emotional

but not in the Greenbelt sense...

I am very tired - it's been a difficult week for various reasons (yes, I choose to take holiday from work to concide with life being rubbish) and I haven't slept very well due to the heat. So I am very tired and not looking forward to getting back to work on Tuesday.

I'm feeling a little disillusioned about finding a new job at the moment - I've applied for a few admin/events management jobs and have either not heard anything or been turned down (again this morning). A lot of jobs I'm interested in have asked for a full UK driving license, which is problematic beacuse I can't afford to learn until I get a full-time job, but can't get a full-time job I want without a driving license. Also, I don't really want to be a one-car family, never mind two cars.

I went to a careers fair on Wednesday which was helpful. I'm considering a career in social housing and spoke to a few different organisations. I think I'd like to work for a housing association, starting in a customer-facing role then working towards a career in regeneration. Lack of housing experience is not an insurmountable problem but my research suggests that I will, in the not-too-distant future, need to return to study to get professional qualifications. I bet you can imagine my joy at the thought of that!

I believe...

I have been having some 'issues' with faith over the past couple of years. As in I've stopped believing God exists.

I did this quiz and came out as a humanist. A few days later I got a free copy of New Humanist magazine through the post. So I thought maybe it was a sign that I should be a humanist. Then I realised that if I was one I wouldn't believe in signs. Back to where I started.

I was looking forward to being a humanist as well.

Must learn from my mistakes

Went away with Sanctus1 this weekend. It was a brilliant weekend - some interesting discussions around parables and lots of spending time with my friends, plus Lucy and I risking our lives trying to get to the sea, only to find it was brown and horrible and full of jellyfish. Myn, Rob abd Richard came up with a fantastic treasure hunt in which teams had to take photos of a variety of things. Very funny. We didn't win but I bet we had the most fun.

Last year I drank too much and had to be carried to bed pretty much unconcious. Which made me appreciate me friends. This year I planned not to do that but unfortunately surpassed myself, not only having to be carried to bed but also being violently sick all over the bathroom door and falling asleep with my head in the toilet bowl. I feel very privileged to have friends who take care of me after I do that, clean up vile-smelling sick, put up with me telling them how much I love them or, alternatively, that they're shit (sorry Stephen. I really didn't mean it), and not seeming to mind too much or judging me for it - even finding it funny, I think. Lev, Lucy, Eyan, Tony, Janet, thank you. I'm glad I have friends I feel safe with and trust to look after me.

Here's what I've learnt. Once I get to a certain point, my good intentions about not getting drunk go out of the window and I proceed to drink as much as I can until I fall off the sofa. So next year I have to decide how much I'm going to drink and stick to it, get my friends to help me, drink slowly and not just alcohol, and above all, not get to the point where I drink recklessly. Yesterday I had a monster hangover and today I still feel wretched. I think my liver is angry with me.

What's that? Ooh, it looks like the end!

Yes, the end is in sight. In two weeks' time I shall be on holiday, (no, not going anywhere, just at home) lying in bed and enjooying being free. I have a first draft of the monster essay. Last night I dreamt I got 65% for it. I think this was not prophetic as it is quite embarrassingly bad. And everyone says "but I'm sure it's not as bad as you think." Honestly, I'm not one of those people. It really is bad. It's about imperialism and doesn't discuss what imperialism is. It's not 6200 words so I need to get rid of approximately 2700 of them. That's my job for next week.

This week I'm finishing my dissertation proposal. This is about the right word length but needs some critical thinking put into it. Could be tricky.

And this could really be the end, folks. When writing my essay last week I realised I wasn't enjoying it and hadn't enjoyed anything I'd done all year. So why, if I don't enjoy doing research and analysis, do an MA just to get a research and analysis job? All the jobs I've ever done, I've enjoyed organising things. So now I'm looking into whether I can get a postgraduate certificate for the work I've done so far and then launch myself into the world of careers. I'm thinking along the lines of events management or operations - something practical.

And then I can have my life back, see my friends, get more involved in the Green Party and Friends of the Earth, more involved with Sanctus and see Matt occasionally. I think I can contribute more by doing a supporting role in an organisation which is doing the sort of things I'm interested in than making myself unhappy trying to come up with a New Plan For Humanity which will have serious theoretical flaws badly hidden in it.

Essay-stressay-messay

I promise, after June 5th, to write more cheerful posts, and more often.

I am scared that I'm spending all this time on an essay which is going to be no good.

I'm scared that I won't be able to put a good argument together.

I'm scared that my lecturer will think I'm stupid.

I'm scared of failing my MA.

I don't now how bad failing would be. I wouldn't be able to do a lot of jobs which I might like to do.

I probably wouldn't be able to be in charge of the world.

But I would get my life back.

After I stopped working for SPEAK it took probably a year to really feel that my life was my own again. I loved having my life back.

There's a really stupid fly which can't find its way out of the window. I both pity and hate it for being so stupid and for annoying me.

Timewasting

I have to write an essay. But instead:

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Bank Holiday achievements

This Bank Holiday weekend I have done many things.

Friday I did some studying, went for a careers interview and watched some ER.

On Saturday I failed to do any studying but I went to see my sister, who has been in hospital for a while. We sat outside on the grass in the sun and I thought what perfect beer-garden weather it was. So I arranged to go to the pub with Eyan on Sunday, who always tells me, when I ask, why he calls himself Fat Roland. And then I always forget. When I got home I watched some ER.

On Sunday, Matt came home at 3am having hurt his back at work. I spent most of the day studying, as well as watching an episode of ER. I decided to work really hard to try to get my dissertation proposal written. After working on that for hours and hours, I went to the pub with Eyan and we had a lot of fun, vodka and coke. I was pleased to get home without being murdered - for some reason being murdered after drinking vodka and coke is so much less respectable than being murdered after drinking beer. I think it's because vodka and coke is associated with girls and obviously girls who drink too much deserve to be murdered*. Drinking vodka and coke is obviously irresponsible.

Drinking vodka and coke is irresponsible when you have to get up and write an essay the next day. But it was worth it because I love seeing Eyan. So today I finished my dissertation proposal. I'm slightly embarrassed by it at the moment, as it's pretty crap, but at least it's something I can hand in if I don't get a chance to redraft it. It's back to the imperialism essay.

But not tonight. Tonight, I'm going to watch more ER, and eat icecream.

I hope you all had as much fun as me.

*Just to clarify, that was sarcasm.

Decisions, decisions (pretty shoes)

I need to buy a pair of trainers. I have some Doc Martens which hurt my feet. I'm not sure if they're the wrong size or a bit weird but they really hurt my feet.

I've been shopping twice to try to buy some and still not succeeded. I left yesterdy because the alternative was to lie on the floor of the shop and cry.

Finally I realise why I can't buy any trainers. I haven't made a decision about everyday footwear for 10 years. This is because my standard procedure has been to find a shop that sells Dr Martens, buy a pair of black size 8 8-hole boots and put them on. I then wear them til the sole wears out and repeat the procedure.

Black Dr Marten boots are non-statement footwear. They don't look like anything. Trainers look like something. You have to choose a colour and a style. If you get that far, they won't have it in your size.

Looks like I'm consigned to more sore feet. If I were rich I would paysomeone to do my shopping for me.

But what's the point?

Here's my question: what's the point of being alive? It sounds morbid, I know, but it's one that a lot of people ask themselves. When I'm old, how can I look back at my life and feel I made good use of it? What should I do now to feel happy and satisfied, now and later? My MA isn't going well so it looks unlikely that I'm going to be a revolutionary academic and solve all of the world's problems. I have to find something else to do. What can I do that will match up to that sort of goal? And what makes you feel happy with your life?

Living the dream...

SPEAK have made the world's biggest dress and are taking it on a mini-tour. As I've done lots of logistical-type stuff at Soundcheck, the annual gathering of the SPEAK network, they've asked me if I'd like to do that for this Big Dress mini tour. Well, I'd love to. But...

1. It's in Cambridge. I live in Manchester.
2. I have a part-time job.
3. I'm doing an MA and have two essays to do.

It's been mooted as full time for a couple of months but I could possibly do it part time. I'm very tempted - I love the big dress and would love to take it on tour. I love organising events and I love SPEAK and... how much fun would it be?

I have to admit, I am tempted to (a) chuck in my job and do this for a couple of months and then get something else or (b) chuck in my MA and do this for a couple of months. I am quite bored of my job and the MA is difficult and has been severely hampered by a bit of a family crisis which has turned my brain into mush. So this is very appealing. And they'll even pay me, which would be revolutionary. I'm not sure Matt would say if I took off to Cambridge to live in a teepee for 8 weeks or so. But... it would be fun...

From parsnips to imperialism

Yes, it's essay time again. This time I'm considering whether we should be studying imperialism rather than globalisation. This is a fair question because we do talk about gloablisation quite a lot and people are starting to talk about imperialism again.

At the moment, my answer is something like this: Neoliberal globalisaiton is about western states, notably the US, trying to make the rest of the world be the way they want them to be. This is imperialistic. Globalisation is a fairly neutral term and also is used in a way that implies that it is natural and just happens. Imperialism makes clear the motives of the global powers to make the world the way they want it to be. However, globalisation isn't all bad - the effects of it open the world up. It also allows us to consider the world as a whole. So imperialistic globalisation is bad but globalisation shouldn't be written off altogether.

Or something

I love them really

Image by Dave Walker.

I actually really love parsnips. But of all the cartoons offered, I liked this on the best.

Light a candle...

The flat Matt and I lived in when we first married had no central (or other) heating and sash windows that weren't just single glazed but also let in draughts. It was pretty chilly - we could see our breath in the air - and we resorted to lighting loads of candles to take the edge off the chill.

As the gas people informed me yesterday (by the time I got home their office had shut and the contact number they gave me referrred me to another phone number which was also not being answered) that they were turning my gas off all day today and that if no-one was in today it would be off all weekend, we have no central heating. So I've gone back to candles - shut in the study with13 tea-lights. It's actually quite warm - in comparison to the rest of the house.

We try not to have the heating on too much, due to the price of gas and the whole global warming thing. However, it is cold. At least, when the gas runs out, we'll have an alternative - though I imagine candle prices will start going up... And what is candle wax made of?

Students' Union in pointless partisan debate shocker!

I had a lovely lunch with Myn at the Cornerhouse today. Then I decided to go to the Students' Union meeting, where there were some votes I wanted to take part in - about the Students' Union making ethical decisions (stuff like the Nestle boycott, that sort of thing) and something about the World Bank. I did deliberate about this, as I'm pretty busy and any time spent in SU meetings is time I can't spend watching ER. However, principles are principles and if you don't vote, you acn't complain when they do what you don't want them to.

However, proceedings descended into farce. There was a motion put forward which said that:

1. The US is bad
2. The US supports Israel
3. Some Latin American countries are doing pretty cool lefty things right next door to the US
4. We should twin with universities in Palestine and Venezuela.

Amendements were put forward by someone from the Jewish Society saying that we should twin with the Hebrew University in Jerusalem which apparently has Palestinian and Israeli students and removing a line which says that Israel is a client state of the US.

This required about 4 recounts. Yes, 4. Plus, the person chairing (I think this was their first time) was unsure on the procedures and kept getting the amendments mixed up. It wasn't good. Absolute chaos and it had descended into partisan politics - Socialist workers/Respect/Islamic soc (I think) against Jewish soc.

Because the first amendment was accepted, apparently this means that the Jewish Soc guy owns the whole amendment! So he accepts the second resolution and then proceeds to argue that he wants to take out the line that said that Israel is the single biggest recipient of foreign aid. He said it wasn't. Socialist guy said it was if you count military aid. In the end, the whole thing was really stupid - we were being asked to vote on something factual when we didn't know if this was true or not. I have no idea if it passed or not.

Then we voted on whether we wanted to go straight to voting on the whole motion. Everyone did - half the recounts had been because people kept leaving during the votes before, with the chair not really having any control over the proceedings.

Then, finally we voted on the motion. Because the amendments had changed the whole spirit of the motion, pretty much everyone who had set out to support it voted agianst it and everyone who had set out to oppose it voted for it. The whole thing was ridiculous. And because it failed, we wasted a whole load of time to achieve nothing.

Marvellous.

Resisting globalisation

On Thursday the topic for our seminar is 'Social justice, resistance and global restructuring'. I am giving a seminar presentation. I saw the words 'social justice' and felt this was the area I was most likely to manage something in. However, with one thing and another, I've only just started thinking about it. I have to come up with some sort of reasopable intellectual question to discuss. Hmmm. Oh well, the worst that can happen is that I make a fool of myself, get slated by the lecturer and get a bad mark. It could be worse...