Must learn from my mistakes

Went away with Sanctus1 this weekend. It was a brilliant weekend - some interesting discussions around parables and lots of spending time with my friends, plus Lucy and I risking our lives trying to get to the sea, only to find it was brown and horrible and full of jellyfish. Myn, Rob abd Richard came up with a fantastic treasure hunt in which teams had to take photos of a variety of things. Very funny. We didn't win but I bet we had the most fun.

Last year I drank too much and had to be carried to bed pretty much unconcious. Which made me appreciate me friends. This year I planned not to do that but unfortunately surpassed myself, not only having to be carried to bed but also being violently sick all over the bathroom door and falling asleep with my head in the toilet bowl. I feel very privileged to have friends who take care of me after I do that, clean up vile-smelling sick, put up with me telling them how much I love them or, alternatively, that they're shit (sorry Stephen. I really didn't mean it), and not seeming to mind too much or judging me for it - even finding it funny, I think. Lev, Lucy, Eyan, Tony, Janet, thank you. I'm glad I have friends I feel safe with and trust to look after me.

Here's what I've learnt. Once I get to a certain point, my good intentions about not getting drunk go out of the window and I proceed to drink as much as I can until I fall off the sofa. So next year I have to decide how much I'm going to drink and stick to it, get my friends to help me, drink slowly and not just alcohol, and above all, not get to the point where I drink recklessly. Yesterday I had a monster hangover and today I still feel wretched. I think my liver is angry with me.

What's that? Ooh, it looks like the end!

Yes, the end is in sight. In two weeks' time I shall be on holiday, (no, not going anywhere, just at home) lying in bed and enjooying being free. I have a first draft of the monster essay. Last night I dreamt I got 65% for it. I think this was not prophetic as it is quite embarrassingly bad. And everyone says "but I'm sure it's not as bad as you think." Honestly, I'm not one of those people. It really is bad. It's about imperialism and doesn't discuss what imperialism is. It's not 6200 words so I need to get rid of approximately 2700 of them. That's my job for next week.

This week I'm finishing my dissertation proposal. This is about the right word length but needs some critical thinking put into it. Could be tricky.

And this could really be the end, folks. When writing my essay last week I realised I wasn't enjoying it and hadn't enjoyed anything I'd done all year. So why, if I don't enjoy doing research and analysis, do an MA just to get a research and analysis job? All the jobs I've ever done, I've enjoyed organising things. So now I'm looking into whether I can get a postgraduate certificate for the work I've done so far and then launch myself into the world of careers. I'm thinking along the lines of events management or operations - something practical.

And then I can have my life back, see my friends, get more involved in the Green Party and Friends of the Earth, more involved with Sanctus and see Matt occasionally. I think I can contribute more by doing a supporting role in an organisation which is doing the sort of things I'm interested in than making myself unhappy trying to come up with a New Plan For Humanity which will have serious theoretical flaws badly hidden in it.

Essay-stressay-messay

I promise, after June 5th, to write more cheerful posts, and more often.

I am scared that I'm spending all this time on an essay which is going to be no good.

I'm scared that I won't be able to put a good argument together.

I'm scared that my lecturer will think I'm stupid.

I'm scared of failing my MA.

I don't now how bad failing would be. I wouldn't be able to do a lot of jobs which I might like to do.

I probably wouldn't be able to be in charge of the world.

But I would get my life back.

After I stopped working for SPEAK it took probably a year to really feel that my life was my own again. I loved having my life back.

There's a really stupid fly which can't find its way out of the window. I both pity and hate it for being so stupid and for annoying me.

Timewasting

I have to write an essay. But instead:

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Bank Holiday achievements

This Bank Holiday weekend I have done many things.

Friday I did some studying, went for a careers interview and watched some ER.

On Saturday I failed to do any studying but I went to see my sister, who has been in hospital for a while. We sat outside on the grass in the sun and I thought what perfect beer-garden weather it was. So I arranged to go to the pub with Eyan on Sunday, who always tells me, when I ask, why he calls himself Fat Roland. And then I always forget. When I got home I watched some ER.

On Sunday, Matt came home at 3am having hurt his back at work. I spent most of the day studying, as well as watching an episode of ER. I decided to work really hard to try to get my dissertation proposal written. After working on that for hours and hours, I went to the pub with Eyan and we had a lot of fun, vodka and coke. I was pleased to get home without being murdered - for some reason being murdered after drinking vodka and coke is so much less respectable than being murdered after drinking beer. I think it's because vodka and coke is associated with girls and obviously girls who drink too much deserve to be murdered*. Drinking vodka and coke is obviously irresponsible.

Drinking vodka and coke is irresponsible when you have to get up and write an essay the next day. But it was worth it because I love seeing Eyan. So today I finished my dissertation proposal. I'm slightly embarrassed by it at the moment, as it's pretty crap, but at least it's something I can hand in if I don't get a chance to redraft it. It's back to the imperialism essay.

But not tonight. Tonight, I'm going to watch more ER, and eat icecream.

I hope you all had as much fun as me.

*Just to clarify, that was sarcasm.